Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10) Read online

  “You’d get there. We just don’t have time for you to figure it out for yourself, right now. I better go see if you made an impression on this hardhead, or if we need to dump him in his own puddle to get his attention.”

  “Talk to you later.”

  Topper cut the connection, and said, “Morning Flower for you, Boss.”

  “Put her through.”

  “Bawb! You are taking all our fun!”

  “Sorry. We were here, I thought we might as well take care of them for you.”

  “I am joking, Bawb. There were five ships. That would have been hard for us to handle. You did good. Ruth is fast.”

  “She sure is.”

  “Do you think you will be able to get these people to quit coming here?”

  “I’m trying to figure that out. I hope so. If they’re going to come in bunches, like they just did, we’ll need to stay and help you protect the system.”

  “If you need someplace to put them, there are a couple of villages that still need someone to shovel for them.”

  “Thanks for the offer. I may have to do that. Did you need anything else?”

  “No, Bawb. Just checking in. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye.”

  Topper cut the connection. Ruth asked, “Would you like me to take us back to our previous location, Boss?”

  “Yes, please.” She started the process by giving a five-minute warning. Topper said, “Boss, I found something, I don’t know how useful it will be, but I thought you might find a use for it.”

  “Lay it on me.”

  “I’ve been studying Squirrel communication, and I’ve found that one of their strongest cusswords is ‘Son-of-a-monkey’. I didn’t know if you could find a use for that or not.”

  “I’m sure that will come in handy. Thanks, Topper.”

  “No problem, Boss.”

  Sensors said, “Boss, I’ve got something I don’t quite understand.”

  “Feed the coordinates to Ruth, and we’ll go have a look. Bring us out nice and quiet, Topper.”

  They both answered, “Yes, Boss.” Ruth announced the maneuver, and then jumped. I heard Sensors call out that they were using a drive killer on us, before I passed out. I woke up in one of the extra chairs on the bridge, hearing Sally run the assault on the hidden ship. I tried to say, “Report.”, but it came out more like ‘rewurt’. Sally said, “Glad you’re back, Boss. They hit us with a stunner. I returned the favor, and sent Pete and Abe over to say hello. Hope you don’t mind that I took over the assault, but you were out, and somebody needed to be in command.”

  I was a little more with it by then. I said, “You did well. They jumped in a sixth ship in hopes of ambushing us?”

  “Sixth, seventh, and eighth, Boss. We’re going to have a lot of prisoners. Do you mind if I send a shipload down to the planet?”

  “Go right ahead. Do we have enough bays to hold their ships?”

  “Scotti says she has plenty of room.”

  “Good deal. Does she have any ideas for shielding against stunners?”

  “She said she would get right on that, as soon as her help woke up. You should probably head down to medbay, Boss.”

  “Why, am I hurt?”

  “No, but they report Mrs. Wilson just went into an autodoc, for injuries from a fall.”

  “On my way.” At least I tried to be. My first few steps weren’t the best, but by the time I made it to the transit, I had steadied. The exercise seemed to clear my head, and by the time I got to medbay, I was doing alright. Dixie was waiting by the door. She said, “She’s fine, Boss. Just fell and hit her head. She’ll be out of the box by evening. She may have a little trouble with her memory for a day or two, but she’ll be fine.”

  “The kids?”

  “They are doing fine, Boss. Relax.”

  “Mind if I have a look, while I’m here?”

  “No problem. Just don’t pull any pranks on Mr. Branham. He is yet to wake up.”

  “Is he alright?”

  “He’s fine. Just a little more sensitive to the stunner.”

  I went in, and just to keep Dixie happy, I resisted the urge to mess with John. Nikki looked like she was doing fine, of course, I wasn’t really qualified to tell the difference. John was stirring by the time I came back out. He said, “Are you okay, Bob?”

  “I’m fine. Nikki took a nasty fall, apparently.”

  “What happened, anyhow?”

  “Three more Squirrel ships snuck in while we were playing with the other five. They were ready when we jumped in, and hit us with a stunner.”

  “How did you catch them if you were out?”

  “I didn’t. Sally did. By the time I woke up, it was all over but the shouting.”

  “Anybody but Nikki get hurt?”

  “Not that I’ve heard about.” Then it hit me that Dingus was in with a prisoner when we were hit. I took off for the transit. John, not knowing what I had thought about, tagged along. Once the transit was moving, he asked, “Where are we going?”

  “Brig. Dingus was doing a prisoner interview. If the prisoner woke up first, he might have gotten the drop on Dingus.”

  John said, “That doesn’t sound very likely, Bob. Squirrels are more susceptible to stunners than we are, and somebody getting the drop on Dingus doesn’t sound likely in the first place.”

  “I know that, John. Are you volunteering to explain to Nikki how her Grandpa got hurt, because we thought he could handle it?”

  “When you put it that way, I can see your point, Bob.”

  As it happened, we got there just in time. The Squirrel was trying to wiggle the chain on his restraints, so that he could get it around Dingus’ neck. I walked in and picked him up by the scruff of the neck. I said, “What makes you think you are fit to lay hands on a member of my crew?”

  He replied, “I’m the Captain that’s going to capture you, monkey!”

  “You mean that pitiful little ambush? My second-in-command took care of that, while I was having a nap.”

  “I have more forces, waiting to pounce.”

  Steve’s methods were working fine, and it was clear he was down to bluffing. I threw him toward the wall, but his chain stopped him short. I said, “You lying son-of-a-monkey, I can see on your face I’ve already captured all your ships.”

  “I have more in reserve. You won’t live to see nightfall.” Another lie. “Everyone knows we are smarter than you monkeys, and I am one of the smartest among us.” I obviously needed to rattle him some more. I said, “That’s not what your Mother said, the other night.” He flew into a rage at that. I grabbed him between his ears, and held him far enough away that he couldn’t land a blow. Dingus woke up, and asked, “How did you get here, Bob? I thought I was supposed to talk to this one.”

  “His second team decided to play with stunners. I walked in on him trying to get his chains around your neck.”

  “Thanks for the assist, then. How did you get him so wound up?”

  “He was telling me that he was one of the smartest Squirrels around. I simply told him that wasn’t what his Mother told me the other evening. He seemed to take offense at that. It’s not like I said she was bad at her job, or she didn’t give good value for what she charged. I don’t know what has him so upset.”

  Dingus tried. I could see the effort on his face. He didn’t succeed. He busted out laughing. That just wound the Squirrel up even more. I’m a bad man, I know it. I slowly moved back until we were near the end of his chain. Then I suddenly let go, and stepped back. The pratfall would have been right at home in a Bugs Bunny cartoon.

  I said, “Forget about catch and release, we have to keep this one around for the comedy value.” The Squirrel was on the floor, cussing a blue streak. Dingus finally pulled himself together. He said, “For some reason, he seems to object to your characterization of his Mother as a service worker.”

  I replied, “I wonder why? Do you suppose she gives it away?”

  Our subject got even more
wound up at that point. He got an odd look on his face, and Lakki came through the door. She said, “You’re doing well, Captain, but I think you need to give him a rest. He looks like he might stroke out if you push him much farther.”

  “We mustn’t do that. We’ll speak again, Worthless. Perhaps then we can discuss your Father, whoever that is.”

  We left the room. The door shut, and we couldn’t hear him anymore. Lakki said, “You really enjoyed that, didn’t you, Captain?”

  “Yes, I’m afraid I did. I’m a bad man, it’s true.”

  “What caused you to change so much?”

  “I found out the instruction I was depending on for guidance was flawed. I decided to do what felt right. On top of that, my wife was injured in the attack.”

  Dingus said, “Beyond that, I think he’s put up with about all the nonsense from your people that he wants to.”

  Lakki replied, “I’ve heard that it is dangerous to push the Captain too far. Is he likely to become violent?”

  Dingus replied, “I’d say he’s more likely to let Tex take one of their ships apart, piece by piece, while they do their best to fight him.”

  “Wouldn’t that be violent?”

  “Nope. He would make sure Tex didn’t let their pressure out. He would just embarrass them no end. Then, judging by the mood he’s in, he would probably lead the boarding party himself, over Sally’s objections.”

  “I guess I don’t understand. What would that accomplish, the Captain being the one to go aboard and retrieve the stunned crewmen?”

  Dingus said, “I don’t think he would stun them first. He seems to be in a mood where he would enjoy a good, old-fashioned gun fight.”

  “I still don’t understand why him stunning them personally would be important.”

  “He wouldn’t stun them. He likes to get fancy and shoot people through the arm so that they can’t shoot at him.”

  I said, “Okay, Dingus. You’re right. It does sound like a dumb idea when you spell it out like that.”

  Lakki looked at me, a little shocked. “You mean that was actually what you were thinking?”

  “More or less. It always sounds so dramatic when he tells it.”

  “How did he know?”

  “We’ve been working together for a while. He knows how I think.”

  Dingus said, “Besides, that’s what I would want to do, if I were him.”

  “My people really have aggravated you guys, haven’t they?”

  I said, “Yes, indeed. Do you think he’s calmed down enough we can go at him again, without putting his life at risk?”

  “I would think so. You wouldn’t want to let him calm down too much, anyhow.”

  I gathered myself and walked back in. He was sitting at the table, trying to look calm. I said, “Hello, Shitstain. Are you ready to talk yet?” I walked over and pulled his chair away from the table. “At least you didn’t wet yourself, like the last one. Why have you brought your foul stench into my sky?”

  “I came to end you, monkey.” I looked down at the chains on him. “How’s that working out for you?”

  “Even if I don’t succeed, there will be more after me. Your days are numbered.”

  “You really think your buddies in the walnut cartel can keep convincing the military to send ships, when none return? Sooner or later, this little misadventure is going to get too expensive.”

  “It would be worth a few ships, to rid the cosmos of an uppity monkey like you.”

  “How many times can I come and dump your ships in orbit around Oak, before people start asking questions?”

  “What are you babbling about?”

  “The suicide mission that came in before you. We hauled them back to Oak, and left them in orbit there.”

  “You know where Oak is?”

  “Yep. My crew has experience altering the orbit of asteroids, as well.”

  “Is that a threat?”

  “Sounded like a statement of fact, to me.”

  “It is of no matter. The defenses at Oak are strong.”

  “The defenses at Oak have been on garrison duty too long. Their readiness is nonexistent. They weren’t even able to respond before we left the system.”

  His eyes began to get big. If I squinted, I think I could have seen the light bulb over his head. He said, “You really went there, didn’t you?”

  “We did, and got away unscathed.”

  “I’m just supposed to take your word for it?”

  “What kind of proof could I offer you, that you would believe hadn’t been faked?”

  “I see what you mean. Anything you could show me, I could claim you had faked, and your effort would have been wasted.”

  “You saw how easily my crew captured your ships. Do you think a crew that skilled couldn’t get into orbit around Oak?”

  “No. If I were looking for a crew to perform such a mission, this would be the crew I would try to get.”

  “It would seem to be up to you to decide if you believe me or not.”

  “So it would. Could I have some time to think on what you have said?”

  “I’m not inclined to let you, but let me consult my associates. Perhaps they can convince me that mercy is the better option.” I stepped out, and the others came out of the observation room. I asked, “What do you think, did I get through to him?”

  Dingus said, “I’m not sure. It seemed like he folded awfully easy.”

  I replied, “You saw that too. I was hoping it was my imagination.”

  Lakki said, “He is convinced of the truth of what you said, but he isn’t sure what he should do about it.”

  “How do we convince him to quit trying to destroy us?”

  Lakki said, “I’m not sure, Captain. Would you mind if I talked to him for a bit?” Mr. Sloan could monitor me, if you like.”

  I replied, “Look me in the eyes, please. Are you going to pass him a message?”

  “No, of course not.” She passed. I said, “Good enough for me. Go right ahead.”

  Lakki went back into the interview room. The rest of us went into the observation room. Our guest perked up. “I know you. You were on that mission he told me he took back to Oak.”

  “I was, but I decided my prospects were better working here. If I had gone back, I would have been put back in jail, to serve out my sentence. Here, I get to be free and work.”

  “You work for the detestable monkeys?”

  “Not so detestable once you get to know them. Actually, pretty nice folks. I’ve learned a lot working here.”

  “Like what?”

  “Well, I’ve learned that walnuts grow just fine on Oak. It’s just your friends in the cartel who keep it from happening.”

  “You really think he knows what he’s talking about?”

  “At this point, I’d be surprised if he didn’t.”

  “You’re loyal to a monkey?”

  “He treats me better than my own people have, why wouldn’t I be?”

  “How do you mean?”

  “Your military sent the fleet I was with, out here on a suicide mission. I was considered expendable. The Captain did a loyalty check before he sent me in here, but he wouldn’t send me on a mission like that.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I’ve talked to some of the bots, the mechanical people that help run the ship. They say the Captain wouldn’t even sacrifice one of them, when he was disposing of a bomb. That is why they are so loyal to him.”

  “You believe these mechanical people?”

  “I do.”

  “And you saw this trip to Oak?”

  “I watched the events on a monitor, I wasn’t actively involved.”

  “It couldn’t have been faked for your benefit?”

  “On the second pass, I was able to see the continents. It was Oak. How would they know the continents of Oak, without having been there?”

  “Wait, second pass? The Captain didn’t mention a second pass.”

  “He tried to parley w
ith a ship sent to capture us. They didn’t want to, and attacked. He defeated them, and took them home. By that time, the ship’s engineers had figured out how to defeat the FTL suppressors around the planet, and we were able to go directly into orbit. That was when I saw the continents.”

  “You’re saying the infamous monkey can jump directly into orbit around Oak, whenever he sees fit?”

  “I saw it done.”

  “He could conquer us at any time.”

  “He has no desire to do so. He just wants to do business with us.”

  “What kind of business?”

  “He has a large quantity of walnuts he would be willing to trade for our technology, provided you can find some without trackers in it.”

  “What do you mean when you say ‘large quantity’?”

  “So many he wasn’t even sure of how much, but he estimated several tons.”

  “Did you say tons?”

  “I did. I had the same reaction. The crew say the nuts are common on their planet.”

  “Do they have any idea why they won’t grow on Oak?”

  “They think they will, but that knowledge is kept secret by the people charging ridiculous amounts of money for them.”

  “What makes them think that?”

  “I don’t know. The Captain has a project going, concerning walnuts on Oak, but I haven’t had a reason to be read into it.”

  “So, you’re not trusted?”

  “I’m trusted with the things I need to work on. That project was handled by other people. I think there were some of our people on the team, though. Folks who had been on the crew longer than me.”

  “You’re not the only one of our people working for him?”

  “No. One fellow was an undercover agent, sent to the Captain’s planet to buy walnuts. Lived next door to the Captain for years.”

  “All this is hard for me to believe.”

  “You get used to it, after a while. You would be a lot better off, with the Captain as a friend, than if you make him your enemy.”

  “You make it sound so simple. I have a career in the military. I was ordered here to eliminate the threat this ship poses to our people. If I go back without results, my career is over. It’s obvious I can’t complete the mission I was assigned, but I can’t return without it.”