Whammo Ranch Read online

  Whammo Ranch

  by

  Jerry Boyd

  This book is a work of fiction. All the people, events, and organizations in this book are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to anything in the real world is purely coincidental

  Copyright©2019 Jerry Boyd

  all rights reserved.

  This book may not be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, whole or in part, by any means whatsoever without prior written consent of the author and publisher.

  Dedicated to my long suffering wife, Donna, and my beta readers, Bernard, Karen, and James.

  Nikki and I were enjoying the sunshine and playing Frisbee with Snitz. He was getting better at catching. Being part Border Collie must help. Max, Nikki’s dad, came running out of the house, hollering, “Bob, come quick, we’ve got a saucer coming in and it sounds bad.”

  I asked, “Medical or mechanical?”.

  “Both, I think. The guy on the communicator seems awfully flustered. Can’t really get a good report out of him.”

  I caught Snitz, and put his leash on. I handed it to Max and told him, “Take him in the house so he doesn’t run off again. We’ll get the garage ready.”

  I turned to Nikki and asked, “Space Cadet, can you please move that jalopy the pirates flew in on down to the barn? I’ll get the doors for you.”

  I ran and started the garage door up, and then ran down to the barn to open that door. When I got it folded back out of the way, I got out my phone to call my partner, John.

  “Hey, John, you folks about done over there? We’ve got company coming, and Max thinks they want to talk to you.”

  “We just got back from looking at the pond. I’ll tell you about it later. Any idea what these folks need?”

  “Max says they’re pretty rattled, he hasn’t gotten much good info.”

  “I’ll let Dee drive. We’ll get there quicker.”

  “Brave man, see you soon.”

  I went in the house and got a couple of those nice stun rifles we salvaged the other week. When I got to the garage, I made sure there was a pair of nice, big extinguishers handy. A saucer coming in on fire is no fun.

  Nikki got back from the barn, and I handed her a stunner. She looked concerned, and asked, “You think we need these, Caveman?”

  “After last time, I’d rather have them than not.”

  “Good point.”

  I got out my communicator, so I could shut down their drive when they touched down. I was feeling pretty paranoid, after getting a visit from the pirates. Just about then, Max yelled from the house, “They’re coming in!”.

  I noticed Nikki had a scanner out, but whatever my new wife was worried about, she would let me know when I needed to. I heard the saucer touch down, and killed their drive. I hit the button to run the door down, to keep anyone from seeing what we had parked here. When I turned around, Nikki was shouting into her communicator, “Stay in the vehicle! Do! Not! Open the door!”. Nikki approached the saucer door, and slapped on a device I hadn’t seen before. She said, “That will hold for now, but we need some help in here, as soon as we can get it.”

  “More pirates?”

  “Much worse. They’re carrying one of the most deadly diseases we know of. If they had opened the saucer, this whole planet would have been at risk”

  I heard gravel bouncing off the garage door. “Dee’s here!”

  We went outside to tell the others what was going on. Nikki said, “Grandpa, it’s the Bethene flu. I sealed the ship, but what should we do next?”.

  “Bethene flu? Don’t all Guide ships carry vaccine and antivirals that work?”

  “I’m not here in a Guide ship. I was guiding a study party in their vehicle.”

  “So my ship is the only Guide vessel on the planet?”

  “As far as I know, it is, Grandpa.”

  “Have you called the Patrol yet?”

  “I was about to when it started raining rocks.”

  Dee said, “John said to hurry, sideways is fast.”

  Dingus said,”Don’t worry, Granddaughter, I’ll call the Patrol. This local bunch seems to have an attitude problem.”

  Dingus got out his communicator called them up. I wandered over to talk to John. “Assuming the Patrol tells us to piss up a rope, Dingus’ saucer is our only shot. How bad is getting it out gonna be?”

  “The mud in the bottom of that pond is some sticky crap. Breaking the suction is not going to be easy.”

  Dingus was cussing in English, Spanish, his language, and at least a couple more languages I didn’t know. The person on the other end of the communicator was apparently not impressed, as he was hung up on. “Silly

  bastard says he doesn’t care who the scanner says I am, it must have been faked somehow. They don’t believe there is any Bethene flu, and even if there was, it’s our problem.”

  Trying to avoid aggravating Dingus any further, I asked, “Is there a Guide post anywhere close?”

  “I’m not sure these days. Nikki, how far out are we?”

  “Two days hard flying. I’ll give them a call. No need trying to verify your ID over the comm.”

  “This is guide Benikkious Slongum, ID # AZ3487-VQ9247-PK7623, can you verify?”

  She had put it on speaker. “Your identification is verified, Ensign. How can I help you today?”

  “Sir, we have Bethene flu, and no supplies to deal with it. We may be able to obtain some, but that is unsure at this time. Victims are quarantined, and have not had contact with locals. Can you aid us?”

  “Isn’t there a Patrol base nearer to you than we are?”

  “They refuse to help, claiming they don’t believe it is Bethene flu. They also doubt the identification of my Grandfather, who has been found and woken from suspension.”

  “Dingolus is alive!? After all this time? I remember seeing a recording of one his speeches at the academy. We’ll send out a medical unit, with equipment to prove Dingolus’ identity beyond doubt. Even our fastest ship will be two days.”

  “I know sir. As I said, the plague ship is under quarantine, I put an exterior lock over the hatch.”

  “Good thinking, Ensign. Good luck.”

  I asked, “Exterior lock? Wouldn’t that have been handy with the pirates?”

  “Sure would’ve, Caveman. They had the door open before I had a chance to place it.”

  “That answers that. Figured there was a good reason. Do you think all three of the loader robots will fit in the back of my truck?”

  “It’ll be tight, but they’re made to collapse for transit. What evil plan is cranking in that Caveman brain?”

  “There’s medicine on your Granddad’s saucer. All we have to do is raise it.”

  “Pull a multi-ton saucer out of a hundred years of mud, that’s all, huh?”

  “Nobody ever said it wasn’t gonna be semi-tough.”

  Nikki fiddled with her watch. “That’s got to be another one of your silly movie references. Oh. Here it is. What is it with Burt Reynolds? The doctor who delivered you have a mustache or something?”

  We went in to eat, and wait for dark, since saucers and hi tech cargo bots are not something you want to be seen with, here on Earth.

  “Hey, John, I’ve got a portable compressor over at the old place, runs on gas. Do you think we could rig a pipe to pump air into the mud and loosen Dingus’ ride?”

  “Might be worth a shot. With three bots lifting, it might break loose. I’ve got some half inch black pipe, have you got fittings to hook it up?”

  “I think so. Could you trade me keys, Nikki? You guys will need my truck to haul bots.”

  “Sure, Bob. Careful with it, it’s my first car.”

  “Space Cadet, I know you let Dee drive it, don’t give me that crap.”
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  I ran into town, hoping to be back by dark. How my old neighbor always knows when I’m coming into town, I’ll never know, but there he was, waving at me. Of course, I had to stop and chat.

  “Hey, how’s it going?”

  “Good, Bob, and you?”

  “Got married yesterday, so pretty darn good right now.”

  “Married!? Where’s Bob Wilson, and what did you do with him?”

  “Still me, Joshua, still me. Just found the right lady and didn’t want to give her the chance to wise up.”

  “Best of luck to both of you.”

  “Thanks, sorry, gotta go.”

  I grabbed everything that looked like it could be useful in saucer raising , and headed out to my farm, where the pond was. Need to get moved in one of these days. Hopefully this week. John was waiting for me at the house, since I didn’t know where the pond was. “Do you think we can get this thing out of the mud, John?”

  “If we put steady pressure on it, and use your air pipe, I think we have a shot. If we have to wait for the Guides to get here, I’m not sure we can help the people on that saucer. We need to get supplies of this, to keep on hand.

  Probably other stuff we need to have handy, too. I need to take some more training, find out about medical techniques they have that we don’t.”

  “All that salvage the Patrol let us have is going to help a lot, but I need to get a parts inventory built up. Not every problem is going to be as easy to fix as the ones we’ve had so far.”

  “Do we really have any business trying to do all this?”

  “If it wasn’t for us, there would be no help for travelers out this way. Two dumb hillbillies beats the snot out of nobody.”

  “You’re right, but I still feel like we may have bitten off more than we can chew.”

  “You and me both. Feels like we’re riding a mean old Brahma, and the clock stopped at six seconds. Where’s the clown, I wanna get off.”

  “You hit the nail on the head. You manage to project calm so well, I didn’t think you were worried.”

  “Not worried? I just married an alien. Dee’s rejuve is gonna make it impossible for her to use her old ID. I can’t even find time to move into this nice old house I bought. What do I have to worry about? Some crazy space plague infecting the planet? Come on, John, the last month or so has been nuts, I just haven’t had the free time to get drunk and freak out about it.”

  “We have met some cool people, though. Dee was a hoot even before Dingus put her in the box and made her young again. I mean, Dingus, how often are you going to meet an alien gunfighter who’s been asleep since the old west. Lyla, the alien crime reporter, she’s gonna make her career with the Dingus’ story. Even Max, the alien worrywart.”

  “Not to mention Nikki. If she had gotten her saucer back in the air before I got home, none of this would have happened. We would still be broke, trying to figure out how to stay sane. All of this is nuts, and I keep expecting somebody to show up with a little flashy thing and take it all away, but I don’t want to have to go back to how things were.”

  “Me either. Let’s get the saucer out of the mud, and save the day again.”

  “Keep it up, Dee’s going to get us capes.”

  We got back to the pond. The others were getting the robots unloaded and positioned around the saucer, except for Lyla, who was filming the whole operation for her story. I got the pipe out of the truck and built a stinger long enough to reach the center of the pond. I put an air fitting on the end of it, and started the compressor. Once we had pressure, I hooked up the stinger, and started to work it under the saucer. At first all I got was bubbles, but soon enough it got a seal and started to lift. Everything was good until the air bubble under the saucer finally broke out. Hundred year old mud is never going to be a popular fragrance. John said, “Bob, that’s worse than your chili farts. Wish I would have thought to bring a gas mask.”

  Dingus got on his communicator at this point, and started driving the bots. He had them swish the saucer back and forth in the pond, trying to wash off some mud. Then he maneuvered them around so they wouldn’t have to go through the pond to get the saucer on solid ground. They sat it down, and I used a blowgun nozzle to try and clean up around the door. Dingus gave up and wiped the access panel with his shirtsleeve. Once he was inside, he called out, “Everybody stand back!”.

  He did something, and all the mud just fell off. Gotta get one of those for my truck. A few moments later, He came racing out with an armload of stuff, saying, “John, help me load this stuff, we need to get back as soon as we can.”

  They loaded Nikki’s truck, and Nikki gave them the keys. Lyla went with them to record the action, and Dee went also, to be with Dingus. Besides, they needed to get back quickly. The sideways is strong with Dee. John, Nikki and I stayed to help the bots get themselves and the saucer under cover before daylight. I was sure that if the government ever had an excuse to run back their satellite records, we would all be in deep trouble, but as long as we could keep a low profile, we might have a chance to keep running ‘Bob’s Saucer Repair’.

  Dingus had used the power core from his saucer to keep his suspension chamber running, so we couldn’t just fly it to the barn. Backup power wouldn’t get it airborne, and it sure wouldn’t engage the stealth field to keep it from showing up on radar. Cargo bots are not designed for overland travel, of course, so we had to take it slow.

  Nikki scouted us a nice smooth route, driving ahead of us. She got a call. Dingus had forgotten to get the cancel code for the lock she put on the plague saucer. We started moving again, and got the saucer inside. The bots did their creepy contortionist folding routine again on the truck, and we tarped them down and headed back to John’s. When we got there, Dee and Lyla were standing outside the garage. It was sealed up with plastic and duct tape. Dee Announced, “Dingus said nobody gets in till he calls the all clear, or the Guide shows up. This means you, Bob Wilson!”

  I held up my hands in surrender, “No problem. I’’m going to bed. Come get me if you need to.”

  Nikki and I went in the house to get Snitz, and then we wandered down to the barn, to sleep in her saucer.

  Entirely too soon, Snitz licked my ear. Apparently it was time to check and make sure no one had made off with his outdoors while we slept. After seeing that all was well, and taking care of some business, we walked up to the house to see if there was coffee to be had. Dee was in the kitchen, making magical smells. She said, “There’s coffee in the pot there, Zombie Bob.”

  I lifted my arms straight out, and moaned, “Coffee!”.

  After a few sips of the elixir of life, I was able to ask, “What’s the word from plague central?”

  “Dingus and John say they got to those people in time, but it will be a while before they are well enough to drop the quarantine. They are both busy decontaminating the saucer and the garage. Dingus thinks they may be able to open up before the Guide shows up, but he’s not sure yet.”

  “Did he get back with them and tell them the situation was under control?”

  “He did, but they’re all psyched up about meeting the famous Dingolus Slongum. I guess he was really somebody, back in the day.”

  “Still is, if you ask me.”

  “You got that right. Ooh, that man!”

  “Enough, Dee, I don’t wanna know.”

  I had some breakfast, and grabbed another cup of coffee to take to Nikki. Dee said, “Domesticated already, isn’t it wonderful?”

  “Just interested in self preservation. Have you seen Nikki before she gets her coffee?”

  When I got back to the saucer, the wonderful aroma of coffee wasn’t enough to bring Nikki back to the world of the living. Snitz decided to help. One ear lick is all it takes, instant alertness. “Dammit, dog, I’m sleeping. Get Caveman to take you out.”

  “Space Cadet, I have coffee.”

  “You might be worth keeping around, Caveman.”

  Once Nikki got rid of some of the blood in her
caffeine system, we went back up to the house. Max was sitting on the porch. Snitz ran to him. I said, “If I’m not careful, he’s gonna wind up your dog, as much time as you spend with him.”

  “As long as saucers put out the noise that scares him, it’s gotta be that way, Bob.”, Nikki said.

  Max said, “I can think of worse things.”.

  I replied, “At least you’re not scared of the domesticated wolf, any more.”

  “Your world is a lot different than where I come from.”

  “You seem to be picking it up quick enough. Do you have any ideas on what to charge these people for bringing plague into our lives?”

  “We actually got lucky when the Patrol refused to help. They would have charged us, and we would have had to pass that cost along. The Guides are mostly just coming to see Dingolus, and if they need to help out, they will. We can’t really charge them for raising Dad’s saucer, we were going to do that anyway. We can’t evaluate the condition of their vehicle until the quarantine is lifted, so that’s still a mystery. I’m pretty lost, how about you?”

  “They definitely have occupied our facility, to the exclusion of any other use, and we certainly can charge for Dingus’ and John’s time, and whatever supplies they used. I feel like we ought to put on a hefty surcharge for landing without telling us they had a contagious disease aboard.”

  “I see your point, but I’m not sure how to make that sound businesslike on a bill.”

  “We’ll think of something. Can’t have people thinking we’re pushovers. Have you heard anything from the Patrol about that saucer the pirates flew in yesterday? Is that going to be ours, or are they coming for it?”

  “Actually, that’s why I’m out here. They said they would be here for it soon.”

  “Nikki, you better take Snitz In the house, we don’t want him to run off.”

  “Okay, you staying to meet them?”

  “Might as well. I want to stay around, but there’s not much to do right now.”

  “Hey, Max, do you know anything about getting clear title to those saucers they let us salvage? We can’t do much with them if they’re not legal.”