Shaved Ape Key Read online

  “Indeed. Gene, an announcement please. All personnel not designated as critical by Mr. Topper are invited to the launch bay to be ferried to the planet. Abe, this means you.”

  A bot came rushing in and relieved Ruth. Snitz, Ruth, and all the humans headed to the transit. When we got to the launch bay, Scotti met me as I exited. “Boss, could I have a word, please?”

  I said, “Of course. What did I screw up now?”

  “No, Boss, come in my office for a minute.”

  I followed her into her office. She closed the door, and said, “Tile the lodge, Gene.” Gene replied, “The lodge is tiled, Master Chief.” Scotti then said to me, “That ship you wanted is ready, down in launch bay four.”

  I replied, “That’s what I figured you were doing down there. They’re going to be a long ways from home, for a long time. Have you had time to test every system?”

  Scotti said, “We didn’t use anything that didn’t have a long track record of faithful service and Zoom and I both went over every part with every test we could think of. Then we let the girls come up with more tests and ran those. There are enough spare parts aboard that Taz can fix anything that might break. I don’t know how to make it more reliable, Boss.”

  I said, “Sounds like your usual high standards, Scotti. I’ll get the rest of the crew up here as soon as I can.”

  “Ah, Boss, you don’t have to worry about that. He snagged one of the fighters and flew it aboard. You can send my pilot back when you get down there, if you don’t mind. I was just supposed to ask you if you had any last-minute instructions before they launched.”

  I said, “I can’t think of anything, but I would like to say goodbye.”

  Scotti said, “Gene, can you open a secure line to the Black Beauty?”

  Gene replied, “Line open. Go ahead.”

  I said, “Willum, Taz, I just want to thank you for going on this mission. Fly safe and make it back with what you find. We all want to know what’s out there, but we want you guys back worse.”

  Willum said, “Don’t worry about us, Bob. We’ve got a good ship, and between us we have enough experience to figure out anything we run into. Don’t let it bother you.”

  Taz said, “Thanks, Boss, for letting me finish this. We’ll bring you back some hard data.”

  I said, “I’ll miss you two. Be careful out there.”

  Taz said, “Bye, Boss.”

  Willum said, “Bye, Delicious.”, and the line went dead.

  Scotti said, “We did everything we could to keep them safe out there, Boss. They both have scads of skill at dealing with this kind of work. You put the right team in the right ship. They’ll get the job done. Now go have fun, while you’ve got the chance.”

  “Thanks, Scotti.” I went back out and joined the crowd on the Ronald Evans. The ramp came up, and we launched. I looked around and realized how many people we had collected in our travels. Diego and Bill were there, Zoom, Nunya and the girls, Dingus, John, Jane, and Greg, the exile ladies, the lost pirates, even Frank was there. Julie was with him, of course. Milly approached with her Grandma. I guess I braced visibly, because her Grandma said, “I’m doing better, Mr. Wilson, you don’t have to dread me anymore.”

  I replied, “I’m glad to hear you’re feeling better, Ma’am. I had hoped you might, after we got you away from that bad air.”

  She said, “Milly said something about that. I’m not sure I understand.”

  I said, “Well, John over there could probably tell you better, but I can try, if you want.”

  “Please. I’d like to know why I acted the way I did.”

  I saw John and Jane smirking out of the corner of my eye, and knew I’d hear about how pitiful a job I had done later. I said, “Those animals on the planet have to grow a lot of muscle to get so big so fast. They make so much of the chemical that causes muscle to grow, that they release the extra into the air. That chemical also causes aggression, so when you’re down there, breathing it, all the time, you get aggressive. I was only down there part of a day, and it made me meaner than normal. I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to keep your temper after breathing it your whole life.”

  John and Jane broke out in applause. I said, “What?”

  John said, “You made that so plain and easy to understand. No big words, no complicated concepts, just, ‘This is what happened’. Well said.”

  I said, “Both of our medical people have come down with something. You wanna throw ‘em in the box, Dingus?”

  He replied, “No, Son, I think they have the straight of it. You did a good job explaining a complicated situation.”

  I said, “What a deal. You’re all stoned, and you didn’t even roll me one.”

  Zoom said, “Boss, you’re the one who’s full of it. I could follow that explanation, and biological stuff usually makes my eyes glaze over.”

  Nikki said, “Face it, Caveman. You did a good job.”

  I reached down and scratched Snitz behind the ears and took a minute to think about it. Grandma said, “You say he’s a domesticated wolf? Kinda small for a wolf, ain’t he?”

  I said, “They’ve been domesticated for thousands of years. People have bred them for all kinds of jobs. Some dogs are tiny, and some are as big as wolves. Snitz, here, is kinda average sized, for a dog. His Mom was bred to be a herding dog, and nobody knows who his Daddy was, except that he was sneaky.”

  She said, “Hmm, Captain Wilson keeps an animal that has a family history of being sneaky. Who would have thought that?”

  John said, “Anybody who knows Captain Wilson, I’d say.”

  I was saved by Ruth coming over the intercom. “We’re landing. Please be ready to disembark.”

  I knew something fishy was going on when the ramp started coming down and I heard Andre sing out, “Detail, Attention!”. I stood up and tried to smooth the wrinkles in my uniform. When the ramp hit the ground, I could see an Honor Guard down both sides of our path off the ship. I tried to look as stiff and proper as I could, in honor of Andre’s efforts. He stood at the bottom of the ramp. He saluted, and said, “Your Marines, Captain.” I returned his salute, as smartly as I was able, and said, “I like the looks of these fellas, Andre. Good work.”

  Andre said, “Thank you, Sir.”

  I heard thundering hooves, before I saw Charlie at the head of a string of riders. They pulled up at the end of the Marines’ column. Jennie was beside Charlie at the front of the bunch. She said, “You didn’t say there would be horses here, Captain.”

  I waved at the Squatches strung out behind her and Charlie. “Charlie messed up and showed these fellas a cowboy movie or two. They thought it looked like fun.”

  Charlie said, “You were the one who made the deals to get the livestock out here, Uncle Bob. It ain’t all my fault.”

  I replied, “It would have to be a problem for it to be anybody’s fault, Charlie. These fellas look like it’s anything but a problem. Have you been able to find good pasture for your stock?”

  One of the Squatches, that I recognized from Bugling Elk’s crew, said, “We have them on good grass right now, but we’ll have to move them lower when winter comes.”

  I looked at Jennie. “Sounds like your folks have took these gents to school.”

  She said, “They’re quick learners. They like beef almost as much as the ladies like garlic.”

  “So, the Percherons are taking to being cutting horses?”

  Jennie said, “They’re not as quick as a good Quarter Horse, but they work hard at it. They’re big enough the stock won’t try to bluff them.”

  “That would be a problem with a smaller horse?”

  She replied, “I worked a summer at Har-Ber Village. The beefalo would try to run right through a Quarter Horse, till you hit ‘em with a cattle prod a few times.”

  Bucky came driving up in the side-by-side we left for Charlie the last time we were here. Steve was riding shotgun, with a lap full of something furry. Snitz’s nose perked up, and he went to i
nvestigate. He must’ve been around cats back on the farm where he was born, because he didn’t get too friendly, and aggravate the cat.

  I asked, “Where’d you find a cat, Steve?”

  Steve said, “This is my shop cat, from before. I had Max watching to see if he came up for adoption at the animal shelter. They finally caught him, and we managed to get ahold of him without the people watching the shop figuring it out. I just got lucky that he showed up at the shelter while I was back home. Marcelle is a mean old booger. They didn’t think he was going to get adopted.”

  Bucky said, “I think he’s finally accepted me. At least, he quit crapping on my pillow.”

  Jennie said, “That’s a step in the right direction, at the very least.”

  Bucky said, “Hi. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Buckious Bronkum, you can call me Bucky.”

  Jennie tried really hard to maintain, but the laugh slipped out. She said, “I’m sorry, what did you say your name was?”

  “Buckious Bronkum.”

  Jennie looked at me and said, “You didn’t tell me this job was going to be so hard, Boss.”

  I replied, “Just call her Bucky and try not to think about it. It’s what I do.”

  Marcelle must have brought Steve’s orneriness with him, because Steve said, “She lives up to it, if you hit the right spot.” Bucky turned red as a beet. Jennie said, “TMI, TMI, WTFTMI.”

  Snitz got too friendly, and Marcelle went airborne. He hit the ground running, and the chase was on. Marcelle found a tree and shot up it. Snitz tried to climb, but when he figured out that wasn’t going to work, he laid down for a nap. Steve said, “I guess they’re getting acquainted.”

  I said, “Looks that way. You think they’ll wind up friendly, or chasing all over the place?”

  Steve replied, “Some of both, if I know those two.”

  Our conversation was interrupted, when Abe came down the ramp. One of the Marines broke formation and said, “Gunny! Nobody said you were going to be here.”

  Abe looked a little shocked. “I’m sorry, I don’t recall you. Please don’t be offended.”

  I called out, “Andre, if you please?”

  Andre went and gave Abe the unlock code. He snapped upright, and said, “It’s good to be back. What are you ladies doing, anyway?”

  Andre said, “We were welcoming the Captain to the planet, Gunny.”

  Abe looked at me and said, “Thank you, Captain. I didn’t know I was missing so many memories.”

  I said, “You’re welcome, Abe. Or would you rather I call you Gunny?”

  Abe said, “Either one is fine, Sir. You got us out of the black, you could call me a shit-eating maggot, and I’d still be grateful I was awake to hear it.”

  With that, every Marine assembled let loose a ‘Hoo-Rah’. The horses didn’t take well to that, but their riders got them settled down quick enough. Charlie said, “We better get back to work, Uncle Bob. See you at supper.”

  I replied, “See you then.”

  Abe walked up to me and stood at attention. He said, “Sir, I thought I was grateful when you rescued us from out of the black. What I feel now is even more powerful. Thank you for my memories.”

  I asked, “Are you still interested in going ashore?”

  Abe said, “No, Sir. I think I’ll stay and help Andre get these maggots into shape.”

  I said, “Glad to have you, Gunny.”

  Will and Fred came walking up. Will said, “Hi, Bob. How’s life treating you?”

  “Pretty well, I’d have to say. Yourself?”

  He replied, “Let’s see, I’m young again, Phonelia drops by when she can, I have a whole planet to explore, and lots of nice folks to live around, well, Bob, I guess it’s passable.”

  “Passable, huh? Just what would I have to do to make it better, Will?”

  Will said, “Some young tobacco plants wouldn’t break my heart. I ran out of smokes the other week.”

  I said, “I’ll get Max on it. Anything else?”

  Fred said, “Well, we were wondering what you planned on doing with all these new folks?”

  I said, “I was hoping you could help me with that. Is there any ground the locals aren’t using that we could set them up on?”

  Will said, “Well, we did find an island when we were out looking for castaways. It’s big enough for the lot of them, and kinda protected from weather.”

  I replied, “But you were hoping to keep it for personal use?”

  Fred said, “It does have good hunting and fishing.”

  Will said, “I suppose it is an awful lot of ground just for us. It would be a nice place for them to set up housekeeping.”

  I asked, “How’s the local wildlife?”

  Will said, “No worse than North America. There are a couple of snakes you need to watch for, and some predators, but nothing out of the ordinary.”

  I asked, “Would you fellas mind running them out there to have a look, see what they think, figure out what they’re going to need to set up shop?”

  Fred said, “I believe we could do that. Ace and Hopper are bringing in the castaways quicker than we could even think about, so we’re at loose ends today.”

  I asked, “Who did you give them for crew?”

  Will said, “We were going to let them have some of these big cargo bots, and then Andre came down and unlocked them all back to Marines. We wound up giving them a couple of guys from Bugling Elk’s crew, and a couple of other young bucks.”

  I said, “Long as there is garlic in it, they’ll do fine.”

  Will said, “Charlie sure was glad to get a few Marines to guard his fields. His losses have gone way down.”

  I asked, “Does it bother the Squatches?”

  Fred said, “Are you kidding? They brag on how many times the Marines have had to carry them home. They think it’s a big game. Like loser stinks, only with stunners.”

  Will said, “It reminds me of that old cartoon where the wolf and the sheepdog clock in and start trying to fool one another, then get to the end of their shift and they’re friends again. They take the Marines hunting with them when they’re not on duty.”

  I asked, “How are the recoveries going?”

  Fred said, “We’ve brought in all the easy ones, and the ones with iffy life support. Topper asked us to save the rest for Ace, and we did.”

  “Have much trouble getting them ready to go back to civilization?”

  Will said, “Genny has been doing a great job with that. Thank you for sending her out this way.”

  I said, “I was just trying to keep her and Leelee out of harm’s way. Don’t make it sound like I had some big plan when I sent her out.”

  Fred said, “Do you mind if I use this ship to show the new folks that island. It’s here handy, I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping them together.”

  I said, “Sounds like a plan. Let me get you some security.” I called out, “Gunny Abe, grab a squad and get aboard. You’re security for these folks, while they’re looking at what might be their new home.” Abe answered, “Aye, Sir. C’mon, you heard the man. Just ‘cause your Mommas were vacuum cleaners, doesn’t mean you have to suck too. Get a move on.” Fred said, “All you folks looking for a place to live, please get back on the ship. We’re going to run out and have a look at an island you might like.” Fred got his sheep headed the right direction, and said, “See you fellas after while.” Andre strode up and asked, “Anything else you need us for, Boss?”

  I replied, “Not that I know of right now. I’ve got your comm code if anything comes up.”

  He formed them up and marched them off. Nikki said, “That’s impressive.”

  I said, “It sure is. I didn’t see the little fella Andre talked about before, though.”

  Will said, “You mean the sneaky one? He really likes pulling guard duty. Thinks it’s funny when he can sneak up behind some of the boys and scare them silly.”

  “Sounds like he’ll fit right in. When is Knocks Hard due back,
speaking of sneaky people?”

  Fred said, “About a week, I think. We better get going. We’ll get caught up when we get back.”

  The rest of us moved off, so they could lift the ship. Zoom and Nunya looked upset, but I couldn’t see a reason. I went over and asked, “What has you two so nervous?”

  Zoom said, “It’s silly. I know gravity holds the air in, but it still seems like I should be sealed up, fixing the blowout.”

  Nunya said, “All this open space, with no walls. It’s just so different from anywhere I’ve been before.”

  I said, “The other planet didn’t bother you?”

  Nunya said, “It did, but I stayed busy when we were there, and you had us on the lookout for problems, so I didn’t have as much time to think. Here, you’re pretty sure we’re safe, and so I have more time to worry.”

  Nikki spoke up. “I know what you two need. Let’s go find the ladies, at the village. They always have something to do.”

  Nunya said, “C’mon, girls, let’s go.”

  Janet said, “It’s just me. Milly went with her Grandma to see the new place.”

  Nunya asked, “You’re not interested in going there?”

  Janet replied, “I don’t have family there, like Milly does. I guess I’ll stay with the ship, if that’s okay?”

  I said, “I bet you could find someone to stay with, if you asked around.”

  Janet said, “Oh, Milly and her Grandma already asked, but I don’t want to be a burden to them.”

  Zoom said, “Sweetie, I could believe you could be a lot of things, but as hard a worker as you are, I don’t think you could be a burden to anybody if you tried.”

  Janet replied, “Thanks. Milly and her Grandma are just getting reacquainted, and I don’t want to be in the way of that.”

  Nikki said, “Do you think they would have asked you to stay with them, if they thought you were going to be in the way?”

  Janet said, “I guess not, but there are so many new things. I just want things to stop changing for a while.”

  I said, ”I hear that. Things have been changing for me for the last couple of months. I want it to slow down, but then again, I don’t. All these new things I’m finding out about are wonderful for the most part, but I have trouble keeping up.”