Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10) Read online

  “You never cease to amaze me, Caveman. You almost make me believe you can understand him.”

  “Don’t you have something else to worry about right now?”

  “You’re the one who needs practice. I’ve got nothing to worry about.”

  Morning is a wonderful idea. Too bad it happens at such an inconvenient time. Snitz gave me the morning lick, and I got started on my day. We went by the grass room, to make sure it hadn’t been vandalized by alien dogs in the night. Jim was there with Molly. I said, “Alice must be on a different clock. She never seems to get Janet up this early.”

  “Molly was the same way, until she went through the autodoc. I think it’s just the age.”

  “Has Molly been hanging out with Bill’s niece and nephew?”

  “Yep. You thinking John needs to run them through the autodoc, like Janet?”

  “I’m thinking that’s Bill’s decision to make. Does make you wonder, though.”

  Jim asked, “You’re not going to poke your nose in?”

  “Not unless it gets to be a problem. There’s plenty for me to take care of, without finding more. Of course, if you, as a concerned dog owner, were to say something, that would be altogether different than the Captain bringing it up.”

  “You mean you don’t want it to be an official recommendation, just a friendly heads-up?”

  “Something like that. Not even a recommendation, just ‘Hey, it worked for Janet.’”

  “I’ll see what I can do about that, Boss. Anybody ever mention that you’re sneaky?”

  “Think I may have heard that a time or two. Let’s get some breakfast.”

  On the way, we met Jackie. “Hi, Boss. How’s it going today?”

  “Pretty good, so far. How about yourself?”

  “Good. Thanks for getting Saucy and Cecil to go get fixed up. I didn’t realize how much I missed those old coots.”

  “No problem. Anything else bothering you?”

  “Nope. Anything I can do for you?”

  “Can’t think of anything. You never had any dealings with the Squirrels, back in the day, did you?”

  “No, I didn’t. Heard lots of rumors, but I never saw one of their ships.”

  “Do you suppose you could get all the old-timers to compile all the rumors they heard back then, and give them to Sally? Never can tell when there might be a nugget of truth buried in there.”

  “Sure, Boss. How soon do you need it?”

  “Whenever you can fit it in. I don’t think it’s that critical, right now, but we will have to deal with them again, eventually.”

  “I should be able to have that taken care of by tonight, at the latest.”

  “That’s plenty fast. Thanks.”

  “See you later, Boss.”

  “Later on.”

  Jim asked, “Do you go anywhere without finding something to do for the ship?”

  I replied, “Just last night, Snitz and I played Frisbee for a good long time.”

  “That was the first time in how long?”

  “I dunno. A few days, at least.”

  “You need to figure out a way to relax more often, or you’re going to burn yourself out.”

  “I also need to make sure I’m ready, if those Squirrels decide to try and take us out. The ship is counting on me, Jim. I’m just a dumb old hillbilly. Everything I know about fighting a space battle, I learned reading pulp novels and watching TV. I’m training as fast as I can, but I don’t have any way to know if it’s enough.”

  “You’ve been training on their tactics, haven’t you?”

  “I have.”

  “Do you think they can beat you?”

  “Based on what I’ve seen of their training? Nope, not unless they have a huge numerical advantage, and the element of surprise. Even then, I could hurt them pretty bad.”

  “So, what is it that worries you?”

  “I don’t have any way to know if my opinion is worth a thing. I don’t have any real-world experience to tell me that what the book says really works.”

  “So, you’re afraid that the simulations aren’t accurate enough, that there’s some element that they are missing, and that is going to trip you up when you encounter it in the real world?”

  “That sums it up fairly well, I guess.”

  “As I understand it, you assigned your meanest, sneakiest people to build those simulations. Do you have some reason to believe they would go easy on you?”

  “No, I suppose I don’t. They keep telling me I’m the one who can cut through the BS. I need to introduce them to you.”

  “Just doing my part for the ship, Boss.”

  “Keeping the Captain on an even keel?”

  “Guess so. I’m training up, but so far that seems to be the job I have the skills for.”

  “Thanks for taking the time, Jim.”

  “It’s no bother, Bob. You’re doing a good job. Look how far you’ve brought this ship in what, a couple of months? What you’re doing is working, whether it should or not. Keep at it.”

  “I do have a question, though. Did Sally put you up to these little morning meetings?”

  “Not the first one, but she saw it had a good effect on you, and asked me if I could make a habit of it.”

  “What a deal! I can’t go wrong, with so many people looking out for me. Let’s go get that breakfast.”

  After breakfast, I went to the ready room to finish the Squirrel training. Jasmine said, “Here you go, Boss. What are you going to study next?”

  “All I know for sure is that it will be something designed for humans. I’m tired of trying to think like a Squirrel.”

  She lit me up. When I woke up, Nikki was waiting on me. “Hey, Space Cadet. Fancy meeting you here.”

  “Hey, Caveman. You ready to go to work?”

  “Nope, but when does that ever stop me?”

  We headed down to the sim deck. Jasmine and Pete were waiting on us. I asked, “What’s up, Pete? Come to figure out how I’m cheating?”

  “No, Boss. I just wanted to see you in action. Maybe I can learn something that will help me make the next round harder.”

  “You’re not fooling me. If that was all you wanted, you could watch the records of the session. You have something up your sleeve.”

  “How can that be? I don’t even have a shirt.”

  “Good one, Pete. You’re not going to tell me what you’re here about, are you?”

  “No, Boss. You’ll find out soon enough.”

  We got hooked up, and started the sim. I could tell right away that our opponents were reacting quicker and smarter than they usually did. Pete was running the opposition in real time. That made it harder to get ahead of them, but it didn’t take all that long to figure out Pete’s habits, and use them against him. It was time to eat when we finally won. We came out of the pods, and Pete disconnected from the equipment. He said, “That was educational. You managed to use my patterns against me.”

  I responded, “Does that mean you’ve figured out a way to run the sim without developing patterns?”

  “Not yet, Boss. I’m not sure we can come up with a sim that doesn’t have some kind of pattern.”

  “At least now you know what you’re looking for. Will you be back this afternoon?”

  “Thanks, but no thanks, Boss. I’ve had enough embarrassment for one day.”

  “How do you figure?”

  “I got my clock cleaned by a couple of organics. No bot should have to admit that.”

  “Got your clock cleaned? You’ve been working hard on that culture pack, haven’t you?”

  “Sure have, Boss. Thanks for noticing. I’ll come back when I think I have a chance.”

  “See you then.” Nikki came back from the little girl’s room. “You ready to find some lunch, Caveman?”

  “Sure am. Feeling brave?”

  “No, but it would feel good to stretch my legs.”

  We headed off toward the galley. We only stopped for tonsil hockey a couple of tim
es. We were almost to the galley, when we heard giggling coming from a compartment. I shook my head, and texted Gene. ‘Who is in the compartment near me, and are they supposed to be somewhere else?’

  He replied, ‘Nelly and Scott, and they have ten minutes left on their authorized lunch break.’

  I showed Nikki the text, and we went on to the galley. When we were out of earshot, she asked, “Do you think they will make it back in time?”

  “I don’t know, but I am sure Gene knows where they are, if somebody looks for them.”

  “You mean the problem can be solved, and you’re willing to sit back and see if someone takes it upon themselves to do so, or not?”

  “That sounds about right. Let’s get some lunch. If they are still there when we head back, I may have to notice.”

  “It’s a little scary, how fast you’re getting the hang of this Captain business.”

  “They might head back of their own accord. Whoever is in charge of them may come find them. Or they may still be there when we head back. However it plays out, I’ll learn something.”

  “Let’s eat. Caveman thinking this far ahead makes my head hurt.”

  We were just getting started when my comm beeped for a text. It was from Gene. ‘They arrived at their proper location, only two minutes late, of their own accord.’ I showed it to Nikki. She said, “That came out well. How did you know?”

  “I didn’t. But if I had interrupted them, I never would have found out if they meant to go back, or not.”

  We finished eating, and headed back to the sim deck. Jasmine was by herself, this time. I asked, “Couldn’t find anyone else to go up against us?”

  “No, Boss. Everyone else has better sense. If Pete can’t beat you, the rest of us don’t stand a chance.”

  We got hooked up, and started in. Oddly enough, the next sim was pretty easy. The Squirrels acted like all their training material said they should, and I had just gotten through studying that. The one after that, someone had tweaked their responses, so that they were more competitive. Still not as challenging as what we had been up against before, but better than the last one. When we finished that one, it was time to feed the kids again. Bill was waiting for me when we got out of the pods. I didn’t know if he would be mad or not, so I just said, “Hi, Bill. Something I can do for you?”

  He replied, “I wanted to ask you about something.”

  “Go right ahead.”

  “Jim Bailey mentioned today that time in the autodoc had helped Janet with her PTSD. He seemed to think that the dogs hanging around Nelly and Scott might mean that they needed the same kind of treatment. I was wondering what you thought.”

  “I think you know them better than Jim or I do. We sure can’t ask Snitz or Molly why they have decided to hang around with those two. How do you think they are doing? Did they ever get convinced that we really are on a spaceship?”

  “Meeting Tikki and Lakki did the trick. They’re convinced, and pretty psyched to be here. I don’t know why the dogs have chosen to stay with them, but I don’t think that they are trying to tell us to treat them for PTSD.”

  “That settles it, as far as I’m concerned. You’re in charge of their care. If you say they are good to go, I’ll believe it till I see evidence to the contrary. I was pleasantly surprised today. I heard them hiding in an empty compartment, but they made it back to class, more or less on time.”

  “More or less?”

  “The report I got said two minutes late. I can live with that, at their age.”

  “Are you tracking them, Boss?”

  “Nope. Just happened to hear them when we were walking to lunch, and checked with Gene to make sure they weren’t cutting class again.”

  “You really go out of your way to take care of the crew, don’t you?”

  “I take care of what I can. I think people give me too much credit.”

  “I don’t. You’re a heck of a Captain. I’m glad to be serving under you.”

  “Thanks. Anything else you need?”

  “I don’t know of anything. See you around, Boss.”

  “See you.”

  Nikki got back as Bill was leaving. “What did he want?”

  “Just asking my opinion about what is best for Nelly and Scott.”

  “Why do I think this is part of a Bob plan, that I wasn’t read in on?”

  “Because you know me?”

  “So, you’re not going to tell me?”

  “I never said that. It’s just not going to be that easy.”

  “I see a great deal of tickling in your future.”

  “Likewise, I’m sure.” By the time we made it to the galley, she had gotten the whole story out of me. She said, “You’re sneaky, Caveman. Mama like.”

  “I’m glad you approve. Let’s eat.” When our meal was winding down, I asked, “Do you mind going back? We’ll be at Charlie’s Planet tomorrow morning, so this will be our last chance for a while.”

  “That’s fine. Just remember you have other practice to catch up on, later.”

  “Can’t forget that.”

  “I must be doing something right, then.”

  Jasmine was waiting on us. I asked, “Who told you this time? We didn’t say anything to Dixie.”

  Gene said, “I told her, Boss. Did I mess up?”

  “Nope. I’m just trying to figure out how my ship runs, that’s all.”

  Gene replied, “I could recommend some good courses on FTL mechanics, if you would like, Boss.”

  “You can’t fool me, Gene. You knew exactly what I was talking about.”

  “Can’t blame an AI for trying, can you, Boss?”

  “I suppose not. Hook us up, Jasmine.”

  This one was strange, but with the limited Squirrel tactics, we were able to take care of it in a couple of runs. Nikki said, “That’s enough for one day, Caveman. Let’s go home.” So, we did. Snitz found us on the way, and I took him by the grass room. Janet was there, with Alice. I said, “I was beginning to wonder if you knew about this place. I never see you here.”

  “Alice doesn’t get up as early as Molly or Snitz. I guess we just miss each other.”

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Better, thanks.”

  “I’m glad John was able to figure out how to help you.”

  “Are you sure it’s not just that you’re glad to be back to just you and Mrs. Wilson in your bed?”

  “Yes, actually, I am. Not that it isn’t nice, mind you.”

  “Now I see why the grownups all call you that other name.”

  “Soon enough, you’ll be all grown up, and you can, too.”

  “Goodnight, Captain.”

  “Goodnight, Janet.” I thought I heard a muffled, “Asshole!” as she left, but as long as I wasn’t sure, I didn’t have to notice. Snitz finished, and we went back to the cabin. Nikki had managed to stay awake this time, so there was practice to take care of. Snitz didn’t care how late practice had gone, and licked my ear at the usual time. I got up, and did what needed to be done. Then we were off to the grass room. Jim and Molly were waiting, of course. “Morning, Boss.”

  “Morning, Jim. Thanks for having a word with Bill. He doesn’t think they need to go in the autodoc, and I’m willing to take his word, unless I have some reason to think otherwise.”

  “Sounds reasonable. You seem chipper this morning.”

  “We get back to Charlie’s Planet today. I’m glad to be out of Squirrel space.”

  “Do you think we got their attention?”

  “I hope. Joshua will be able to give us a better read on it, when he gets to their home planet.”

  “Did I understand right, they call their planet Oak?”

  “That was the way it sounded, from what communication we had with them.”

  “Is it going to be safe for Joshua to comm you, if they are monitoring your comm?”

  “Probably not. I should have thought of that. I need to have somebody comm him who they wouldn’t be keeping track of.�
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  “Send me his code, I can take care of it for you.”

  “Thanks. Anything else you’ve caught me slipping on?”

  “Can’t think of a thing. Let’s go eat.”

  After breakfast, I commed Sally. “Morning, Boss. Are you going to take the conn when we come out of FTL?”

  “I had planned to. Is there a reason I shouldn’t?”

  “No. I just couldn’t think of anything else you would be calling about.”

  “I was wondering if there were any more courses you thought I should take.”

  “I can think of one or two. Do you want me to send Jasmine to the ready room?”

  “As long as they are human courses, I’m game. I’ve had enough of thinking like a Squirrel for a while.”

  “They’re human, alright. I’ll send Jasmine.”

  “Thanks. I’ll be there in just a minute. How long till we drop back to normal space?”

  “About two hours.”

  “Could you give me a call, about twenty minutes beforehand?”

  “Sure, Boss.”

  “Talk to you later.”

  I went to the ready room and got lit up. I still had about an hour before I needed to be on the bridge, so I asked, “Gene, could you page Snitz to the bay where we play Frisbee?”

  “On it, Boss.” I grabbed a transit, and headed there myself. When the door opened, Snitz was standing there looking confused, trying to find me. I called his name, and he came over for pets. “Did you think we were playing tricks on you, Buddy? I should have got here first, huh?”

  We went in and played Frisbee till I got the call from Sally. I put the Frisbee away, and Snitz came with me to the bridge. He decided to sit in my lap, like it was a simulation. Sally asked, “Are you expecting trouble, Boss?”

  “Nope, but that doesn’t mean it won’t find us. I’m not sure why, but I have a funny feeling about this.”

  Sensors said, “All sensors working at maximum efficiency, Boss.”

  Tex said, “All weapons checked and ready, Boss.”

  I said, “Thanks, but what brought that on?”

  Topper said, “Boss, by now we know to take your funny feelings seriously. If you’re hinky, we’re all hinky.”

  Sally said, “It may not be the Navy way, but it’s kept us flying this long.”

  “Your confidence in me is appreciated. Let’s hope I’m wrong.” We cruised along, until Ruth went over the intercom with, “Transition to normal space in five minutes. Secure loose gear.”