Whammo Ranch Read online

  “Have you been able to get that trinket her Grandpa gave her? You’ve done a heck of a job on the car, but I think that meant as much as it did.”

  “If it’s what I think it is, we know where it is, but we haven’t figured out how to get it back yet.”

  “It’s still in the car?”

  “Yep. The guy who has it is squirrelly as 40 acres of oaks, or I would have bought it already.”

  “Carl Jackson?”

  “You know him?”

  “Young William’s go to man for dirty deeds.”

  “Keeps coming back to William. I had hoped not to have to deal with him.”

  “First person I heard say that was his first grade teacher.”

  “Doesn’t sound like we’ll solve it tonight then.”

  Nikki came in, asking “You two about done? Some of us need rest.”

  “Sure, Space Cadet, just finishing up. Where is everyone sleeping?”

  “Lyla says it’s time we had our bed back. She’s sleeping in her saucer, since the boys brought it up to the barn. She said you’re welcome to join her, Joanna.”

  “I get to sleep in a flying saucer? This beats Shitty Oaks all to pieces!”

  “Shitty Oaks?”, I asked.

  “It’s what the inmates, oops, I mean patients, call Shady Oaks when the nurses can’t hear.”

  “We should be able to fix that. Got a man working on it.”

  “What color cape did you want, Bob?”

  “You say you’re short of tickles, Joanna?”

  “Save those for your wife, Bobby Apples.”

  “Ow! Haven’t heard that in thirty years, at least. Good Night!”

  Later, Nikki asked, “Bobby Apples? What was that about?”

  “It was a name some of the other kids called me. Not my favorite.”

  Snitz was certain, that even though it was Saturday, it was still very important to check the outdoors promptly at sunrise. I started coffee on the way out. We wandered down to see how things were going at the shop. Topper greeted us. “Hello sir, I was about to text you, we have accomplished all we can without more supplies. I do have a question, however.”

  “What’s that?”

  “The one small compartment that locks. On the old car, it would open with the trunk key. The new one should open with the trunk key for this car, correct?”

  “Yes, that would be best. Once you have your supplies, how long will it take to finish up?”

  “If we get what we need by noon today, we should have it ready by sunrise, if the maintenance bots are not needed elsewhere.”

  “I’ll get you what you need as soon as I can. You guys are great! Thanks for all your hard work.”

  Taz asked, “You will have more work for us after this, won’t you sir?”

  “Of course , Taz, I’ll keep you fellas busy. Why are you worried?”

  “If you don’t need us any more, you might sell us to someone who doesn’t treat us as well. We wouldn’t be able to play music, or Frisbee.”

  “You guys can stay as long as you like, even if I do run out of things for you to do. You don’t need to worry. I won’t sell you.”

  In chorus, the boys said, “Thank you, sir!”

  “About this sir stuff, do you think you could call me boss, instead?”

  “Sure, boss”

  By the time we made it back to the house, all three ladies were sitting at the table with coffee. I got a cup, and started breakfast. Nikki started fiddling with her watch, looked up and said, “Bob, dear, are you set on buying all new guns for Dee?”

  “Bob, dear. I must have really been a moron this time. Hit me, Nikki, whatcha got?”

  “Well, truth be told, I was a moron first. Does that help?”

  “We both need to do better? When are the grown ups supposed to be back, anyway?”

  “I haven’t heard, Caveman. You know those folks who left all those saucers for us to salvage?”

  “Yes, Patrol or pirates?”

  “Pirates. What do they do for a living?”

  “Uhh, stop ships and take stuff?”

  “Yes. How do you suppose they do that without getting shot all the time?”

  “Enlighten me, Professor.”

  “They rig a boarding craft with a big stunner, that can knock people down on a neighboring ship.”

  “Okay. I don’t get… Oh! A house would pass stunner beams at least as good as a saucer. We could have stunned that idiot and avoided all the drama.”

  “How long do you think it would take the boys to clean out all the secret compartments?”

  “With all their little helpers? Not over a minute, I would think.”

  “Let’s wait till dark this time.”

  “Sounds like a plan, but let’s see what John has to say.”

  I called John and put him on speaker. “Morning John, you’re on with all of us. Nikki has a plan. I’d like to run it by you before we run off half cocked again.”

  “Okay, shoot.”

  Nikki said, “We have a boarding saucer the pirates rigged up. It has a big stunner that could knock that turkey out inside his house. Bob says the boys can clean out the secret compartments in about a minute. I want to go get all of Dee’s stuff tonight.”

  “You didn’t use the big stunner yesterday because?”

  “I didn’t even remember we had it. I was just focused on the good scanner we needed to find everything.”

  “We need to start planning things out better, or our secret is going to get out.”

  “Agreed. Do you see anything wrong with this plan?”

  “What can stop a stunner beam? Do you have a scanner that can tell if he’s stunned or just asleep?””

  “This stunner is designed to go through a saucer hull, so even a metal roof shouldn’t be a problem. We can definitely scan him before we move to the retrieval part of the plan, however.”

  “Sounds good enough. When do you plan on executing it?”

  “After dark, say three a.m., so most people are asleep.”

  “You turkeys are learning, slowly. I guess this means our range trip is off, Bob?”

  “You could ride along while I gather Topper’s shopping list, if you want.”

  “Sounds good.”

  “I’ll be over in a little bit.”

  I picked up John and we headed in. He said, “Bob, I’ve been thinking.”

  “I thought I smelled smoke.”

  “You’ve got very little in the way of medical knowledge, right?”

  “That’s true. I know almost enough to hand you the right thing the first time.”

  “I was thinking it would make a lot more sense for me to buy Shady Oaks, rather than you.”

  “Would you please? I’m getting in over my head. I didn’t want to take it on, but I couldn’t let Joanna down.”

  “You could ask for help, Bob. We all just think, ‘Oh, Bob can fix that’, never think, ‘damn, Bob’s busy already, maybe I should take this one’”

  “At least Nikki has started calling me out when I’m about to screw up and do things the hard way.”

  “Have I mentioned she’s good for you?”

  “Think you might of. Hey, can you think of anything else we can do to make sure things go slick tonight?”

  “You said something about thinking he had an alarm. A motion detector would pick up a saucer even if it was cloaked, wouldn’t it?”

  “Snagfart, Yes! Why didn’t I think about that. I’ve got to pop my head out before I get us caught.”

  “Easy, Bob. We’re all new at this. I bet he has it hooked to a camera.”

  “We don’t want the boys on Youtube, do we?”

  “No, we do not, unless it’s the band.”

  “We should have scanned the house first.”

  “Probably. How can we take out a camera?”

  “Let me ask.”

  I called Nikki. “Space Cadet, John and I are having a little discussion. What do we have that will take out a video camera?”
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br />   “A regular Earth standard surveillance camera?”

  “Yes.”

  “A stunner puts out enough voltage to fry the chips in one of those, Caveman.”

  “Next question. Could you please get into Carl’s computer, and erase any video he got of us yesterday, and trace down where he might have sent it, and do likewise?”

  “I could, but it would be quicker and easier to net the saucers up again and let them do it.”

  “Whatever you think best, Space Cadet. Just remember we’re trying to keep a low profile, okay? If you have to yank it back from Youtube, make it look like they took it down for some kind of violation, instead of it vanishing in a puff of logic.”

  “Gotcha, Caveman.”

  “Thanks, Sweetheart. Talk to you later.”

  “Bye.”

  “That work, John?’

  “Sounds right. You want another shooter, in case he has more than one camera?”

  “You’re more than welcome, as long as the boys have room to work. Reminds me, I should let them know what’s going on.”

  I called Topper. Strains of ‘Bitchin’ Chevelle’ faded out as he answered. “Boss, what can three out of work robots do for you today?”

  “Well, Topper, I need you to come up with a plan. We’re going to clean out all the secret compartments on the old car tonight. I need you and the boys to come up with the quickest way for you three and the maintenance bots to clear them all out, and close them again. You will have to make keys, in case the car is locked, and one for the locked compartment. Any questions?”

  “We get to go on a caper? You’re the best boss ever! We’ll be ready.”

  “We want to strike about three in the morning, to avoid attention. We should be back with your parts in an hour or so. Can you plan your work so you’ll be able to down tools about 2:30?”

  “No problem, Boss.”

  “See you shortly, then. Bye.”

  “Goodbye, Boss.”

  We gathered up Topper’s list. Some of the springs and hinges he wanted were hard to find. We got as close as we could, and hoped he could make do. I figured most of what was on Dee’s original were junkyard parts, off of who knows what. We stopped off at the range, so I could stock up on cleaning supplies and get fresh ammo for Dee’s guns. When I backed into the shop, my truck was swarmed by bots looking for material to finish their jobs. We stayed in the truck, out of the way, until the rush ended. We finished unloading what the piranhas had left, and put the gun supplies on a bench over by where my safes were sitting. I needed to get those put in the house, soon. I took John back to his place, and we called the lawyer to let him know to put John’s name on the paperwork, not mine. He hadn’t started drawing up papers yet, so we caught him soon enough. My comm rang soon after we got off the phone. “Bob Wilson, how may I help you?”

  I recognized Mike’s voice. “Yes, I was wondering if I would be able to pick up my dry cleaning tomorrow? What time will you be open?”

  “Paintball usually starts about one in the afternoon. You might want to get in a little early to get familiar with the rules and equipment, since you haven’t played before.”

  “I see. Ensign Whittum asked me to inquire if her dry cleaning was also ready for pickup?”

  “Bring her along, the more, the merrier.”

  “Very good. I’ll bring her ticket when I come to pick up mine.”

  He disconnected. I said to John, “We’ve really got to come up with a better method for secure comm. I’m tired of being his dry cleaner.”

  “He’s fooling the Major with that crap?”

  “I doubt it. Probably giving the Major plausible denial. My guess would be the Major’s sister is all up in his stuff about Bill, so that he has to come down on us to keep her happy, but he would rather have us here than not. If he really wanted us gone, we’d be gone.”

  “That makes sense, but it kinda leaves us hanging by a thread of the Major’s good will, doesn’t it?”

  “We’re sneaking around working with alien tech our own government would gladly kill us to get ahold of, when was this outfit ever anything but precarious?”

  “You’re right, Orville.”

  “Aah, Wilbur!”

  “Need more peanut butter there, Ed.”

  “I’m just horsing around.”

  “You guys want to come to Chez John to dine this evening?”

  “Sounds good to me, I’ll run it by the management when I get back.”

  I drove home, of course Snitz was waiting to scold me for going driving without him. Gotta keep up with that doggie internet, don’t you know. I found a Frisbee, and we played for a while. Joanna left for work, then Lyla and Nikki came out to play. Nikki asked, “So how did it go? Get everything the boys needed?”

  “I’m convinced some of the parts on the old car are junkyard scrounge, no telling what make and model they’re off of. We got as close as we could, without taking all day. John wants us to come over for supper. Is that okay with you two?”

  Lyla spoke up, “Sounds good!”

  Nikki said, “I’d like that.”

  “Reminds me, I need to start a pot of chili for tomorrow before I go to bed tonight.”

  Lyla said, “Chili and paintball? I’m glad I stayed.”

  I pulled out my phone and called John. A Frisbee bounced off my head when I looked at the phone to dial. Snitz grabbed it and ran it back before I could retaliate. “Hi, John, we’ll be there for supper.”

  “Good.”

  “I need to hang up, I’m a Frisbee target. Bye.”

  “Bye, Bob.”

  We had some lunch, and I decided to grab a nap, since it looked like a busy night. As I headed out to the saucer, Nikki decided that was a good idea. So much for sleeping.

  We got cleaned up, and loaded up to head to John’s. I made sure to grab some Frisbees. Snitz and I rode in the back of the truck, since Joanna had Nikki’s rig. Snitz had a great time. Doggie broadband!

  I found Max when we arrived, and asked, “You’ve got a good inventory of what we have on hand, correct?”

  “I do, Bob. What do you need?”

  “That’s just it, Max. I don’t have a clue! Could you maybe build me a report of what we have on hand, and what it can be used for, maybe broken into categories like construction, vehicle repair, weapons, and so forth? Nikki has to keep telling me about things we have that we can use to fix problems. I’d like to be able to study up and get some idea of what we actually have on hand, and what it’s good for.”

  “I’ve got a pretty good tally of everything, broken into categories, like you said, but I’ll have to add descriptions for what you want. Give me a minute, I think I can write a script to take care of it while we eat, and I can give it to you before you leave. That work?”

  “That’s great! Thanks , Max!”

  I found John out by the grill. “So, partner, how many problems do you have with tonight’s op?”

  “I’m scared, Bob. I can’t figure any way to do it better than we already are. I know we’re missing something, but I don’t know what.”

  “I know what you mean. I come up with a plan and then Nikki says, ‘Oh, Bob, don’t be silly, do it like this’. I wish I had a good enough idea of what Galactic tech can do to make good plans. I’m sure somewhere in my barn, there’s a magic doohickey that makes tonight’s raid child’s play, but I don’t even know it exists.”

  “Maybe if we figure out the kind of thing that would make it easier, we could ask Nikki if it exists.”

  “Might work, but first you better turn those steaks.”

  “Thanks. I got distracted. In all the UFO movies, they have that thing that stops all the electronics. I wonder if that’s real. Would beat the heck out of overloading his cameras with a stunner and leaving physical evidence.”

  “Good idea. The little flashy thing to make him forget would be handy, too.”

  “Judging by what we’ve seen, they can probably do it, but it will take twenty minutes under a head
set, and leave him a nasty headache.”

  “Sounds right. Don’t think we want to go to all that trouble tonight.”

  “Am I the only one that will be glad when Dingus gets back to show us the error in our ways?”

  “Not at all. I feel so much better when we have adult supervision, Bob.”

  “You think they’ll show up for paintball?”

  “Wouldn’t bet against it, but I’m not sure. It’s a big galaxy, Dee’s probably got a lot of things she wants to see.”

  “Those steaks are about right. Time to feed some people.”

  While we ate, I asked Nikki about shutting down the electronics remotely, without lasting damage. She thought a minute, and said, “I don’t know how to do that, Bob.”

  Max tinkered with his watch a minute, and said, “I see why you want that inventory, Bob. The saucer you’re going to use tonight has that capability too, to keep it’s prey from getting a message off or running. I’ll send you both the file on how it works.”

  “Is it a wide area thing, or will we be able to just target his house?”

  “His neighbors will probably get hit, too. You’re not going to be there very long, are you?”

  “Nope. We want to be gone before anyone notices we are there. John, is there any way to find out if anyone around him is on critical medical equipment? I don’t want to kill anybody over a few guns and a keepsake, even if it is Galactic.”

  John said, “The ambulance district has a database of people with medical devices. Nikki, do you think you can get in and out without leaving digital traces?”

  “Is a bear Catholic? Does the Pope shit in the woods? You really want to get sniped tomorrow, don’t you, John?”

  “Sorry for offending your High and Mightyness, oh great and powerful Oz, I mean, Nikki.”

  Lyla said, “That’s the lamest apology I’ve ever heard.”

  Nikki replied, “That’s ‘cause he’s not sorry, yet!”

  John showed her the website for District, and she was into the list quickly. She fiddled with something else, and then said, “The nearest house we would need to be concerned about is over a mile away. Unless that jammer has monster output, it should be safe.”

  I said, “One less thing to worry about. So, the plan is, hit him with the big stunner, scan to make sure he’s down, and then turn on the jammer?”