Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10) Read online

  “A clarification, if you would. Am I speaking to Bill, or Major Rottum?”

  “Just Bill, but please don’t make me change my mind.”

  “Five minutes, maybe ten. I traded a pallet of walnuts to a nice trader fella, to get him to haul them home for me.”

  “This trader fella, he wasn’t from around here, either?”

  “No, I suppose he wasn’t.”

  “So, you’re in contact with aliens, now?”

  “Just doing a little business, Bill. Nothing to get excited about.”

  “I guess I’ll have to believe you. Let’s get back to the other hole in your answer. How many aliens do you have working for you?”

  “Four, but only two of them are in the system right now.”

  “The other two are out stirring up trouble someplace?”

  “Just engaging in a little free enterprise, Bill. Nothing to worry about.”

  “Why is it I always quiver in fear when you say that, Bob?”

  “Murphy is our shepherd, Bill.”

  “Well, given how high up this tip came from, I can’t just ignore it. I’ll have to send somebody out to investigate. Can you at least try to make it hard for them to find any evidence?”

  “I’ll try, but they’ve decided that they would much prefer a sky without me in it. They have taken to showing up at random times, trying to make that happen.”

  “That would be unhandy, to say the least.”

  “It would, if they were anywhere near the captains they think they are. As it is, they’re mainly just annoying.”

  “You’re saying the Gene and her crew have the situation well in hand?”

  “That we do. Things are a bit tense, though. You probably shouldn’t come out of FTL without identifying yourself.”

  “So, just how did you come into contact with these aliens?”

  “I swear, Bill. You ask more questions than Lyla. We found a few of them marooned, and Janet figured out I had been living next to one back home for twenty years or so.”

  “What?”

  “They have an autodoc program that lets them change their appearance enough to pass for human. He was there buying walnuts.”

  “That’s the second time you’ve mentioned walnuts. What’s so special about walnuts?”

  “I dunno. These folks really like them. Kinda like our other friends and garlic.”

  “I suppose the chances of getting you to pay for the sleeping pills I’m going to need after talking to you are pretty slim.”

  “We’ve got plenty of nighty-nights, I could send you a box, if you’d like.”

  “I don’t want to depend on someone to wake me up.”

  “The new ones have a timer. You can just program how long you want.”

  “You’re so kind, Bob. Couldn’t you just quit finding problems for me to worry about?”

  “Where’s the fun in that, Bill?”

  “I’ve had enough excitement for the time being. I’m going to hang up now.”

  “Bye, Bill.”

  “Bye, Bob.”

  Dingus asked, “Major Rottum?”

  I replied, “Just Bill, but yeah. Somebody high up tipped him we’ve been in contact with aliens, so he has to send somebody to check it out. Wants us to do our best to keep them from tripping over anything they wouldn’t be able to ignore.”

  Dee said, “It would make sense for him to send Mike and Tina, they won’t be too hard to convince.”

  Jane said, “He may need to send someone we don’t know, just to keep from looking like he’s trying to help us. Depends on how closely they are monitoring him.”

  I asked, “It pretty much had to be a Squirrel agent who set this in motion, doesn’t it? What do they have to gain by telling more people that they exist?”

  Dingus replied, “The fact that he felt the need to make sure the call couldn’t be overheard makes me think they may have made the whole thing a big secret. They probably don’t think he would risk his career to tell anyone about aliens, when nobody is going to believe him anyway.”

  Jane said, “That sounds reasonable. We need to be careful not to force him to blow his cover.”

  “Haven’t we already been doing that?”

  “I suppose we have. It’s just more important now that somebody with pull is involved.”

  “That means you folks are going to have to keep an eye on me, so I don’t screw up.”

  Dingus replied, “Don’t we always?”

  “I suppose you do.”

  Dee spoke up. “If we don’t know who he’s going to send, do we need to hide the Gene?”

  Jane said, “They’re going to notice the defensive network of fighters in the outer system, anyway.”

  I replied, “Yeah, but if they don’t actually see the Gene, they can’t report it as a certainty that we have her.”

  Dingus said, “If Squirrels show up while they are here, all bets are off.”

  Jane replied, “No plan survives contact with the enemy.”

  I asked, “So, the plan is to leave Sally and the bots to deal with any incursions, and go down to Shaved Ape Key?”

  Dingus said, “If we are doing that, I might as well go see if I can scrounge us up some more bots.”

  Dee said, “I’m going with you, if you take off.”

  Jane said, “Do you think we could get by with John and me staying aboard? I hate to pull Greg out of school when he’s doing so well.”

  “I don’t think that will be a problem, so long as John understands I will be leaving Sally in charge.”

  “You know he doesn’t want to have to sit in the big chair, Bob.”

  “Neither do I. Fat lot of good that has done me.”

  Grandma Cachi had been listening, without anything to say, up to this point. She said, “You’ll need more than just you and your wife, if you’re trying to make someone believe that you’ve settled on the planet, and don’t have a ship hidden somewhere. I’ll go with you, maybe we can get Janet to go along. Don’t know if we could talk Diego and Zoom into it, though. They love the Gene.”

  I replied, “Jim and Janice would probably be okay with it, as long as they know it’s temporary. Milly would probably go, if Janet did.”

  She replied, “That still seems skimpy. Do you suppose we could get some folks to move over from the other village for show?”

  “We might be able to do that. So much depends on who he sends. As long as it is Mike and Tina, we don’t have to worry too much. If it’s somebody we haven’t met before, it could get dicey.”

  Dee asked, “Are you going to stand there and worry, or call Mike?”

  I got out my comm and dialed. “Sergeant Darning.”

  “Can you talk, Mike?”

  “Not at this time. Getting ready to go investigate some primitive who we got a tip is talking to aliens, of all things.”

  “Who are you working for on this one?”

  “Ensign Whittum will be in charge this trip.”

  “That’s a relief. I’ll give you a call back when your dry cleaning is ready to be picked up.”

  “That dog of yours had her pups, then?”

  “She did. I’ll save you one.”

  “You’re so kind. Thanks for calling.”

  “Later, Mike.”

  Dingus asked, “What did you find out?”

  “Sounds like Tina is in charge of the mission, but Mike acted like there was somebody there he didn’t want to talk in front of. I’d guess they have some privates with them we haven’t met.”

  Jane said, “Still, you should be able to put on a good enough show that they can put in a good report, without too much trouble.”

  I asked, “How long does it take to get out here from Patrol Headquarters?”

  Dingus said, “With their drives, three days at least.”

  “I don’t think they would bring Proud Mary on official business, so we ought to have at least that long. I better get with Sally and get a plan worked out. Grandma, can you take care of rounding up
as many people as you can that want to spend a few days on the planet?”

  “You can call me Beatriz, Captain. I would be glad to help.”

  “Thanks, Beatriz. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that name before.”

  “It’s from back home, in Peru. I haven’t met anyone with the same name as me since I came north.”

  “Let me know if you have any trouble. I’m headed to the bridge.”

  I grabbed a transit. Dingus jumped in as the door was about to close. “Mind if I tag along? I need to talk to Tex, remember?”

  “Nope, I forgot.”

  We walked across to the bridge. Topper and I exchanged greetings, Dingus went to talk to Tex, and I went over to Sally. She said, “Hi, Boss. Did you want the conn?”

  “No, as a matter of fact, I need you to give it to Topper, so we can have a little chat in the ready room.”

  “Mr. Topper, you have the conn.”

  Topper said, “My ship, yes Ma’am.”

  Sally and I went across to the ready room. I said, “Sally, I have to ask you to do something you may not think you’re ready for. I need to go to the planet for a few days. You will be in command while I am gone. I need you to hide the ship, so that people coming into the system won’t be able to tell it is here. Recover the fighters, and let Morning Flower handle any intruders. Only intervene if it looks like more than she can handle without you.”

  “You’re not leaving Mr. Branham in charge?”

  “He doesn’t have the skills and knowledge you have. You have a proven ability to fight the ship. He doesn’t.”

  “Mr. Richards is progressing well.”

  “You are second-in-command for a reason, Sally. You have the skills and knowledge to do the job.”

  “You trust me with the ship and crew? Thanks, Boss. No other human ever trusted me that much.”

  “I trust you because I know you can do it. You do too, if you would just let yourself believe it.”

  “When are you leaving the ship, Boss?”

  “Soon, but I don’t know exactly.”

  “What ship are you taking with you?”

  “I was thinking the Ronald Evans. It’s a ship the Patrol is aware of, so there won’t have to be any explanations of where it came from.”

  “Might I suggest you take Mrs. Wilson’s Audi, as well? It would help sell the idea that you were settling in.”

  “Good idea.”

  “If you don’t need anything else, I better get back. I want to make sure I don’t need to ask you about anything before you leave.”

  “Go ahead. I need to call Morning Flower.”

  Sally left, and I dialed Morning Flower. “Bawb! Are you coming to see us soon?”

  “I should be down this afternoon. That’s kind of what I called about. Mike and Tina are coming, and we don’t want to have to explain the Gene to them, so Sally is going to hide it. She’ll be close enough she can help if you need it, but she won’t come out unless you do.”

  “Like she was teaching us to hunt.”

  “Just like that. Is that going to be okay with you?”

  “That’s fine. Mike and Tina are friends, we don’t want to make them keep secrets they don’t have to.”

  “I’m glad you understand. I’ll be down there this afternoon.”

  “See you then, Bawb.” I hung up and headed for the transit. I asked Gene, “Can you take me to Mrs. Wilson, please?”

  “Sure, Boss.”

  When the doors opened, I found a light trail waiting for me. Following it, I found Nikki, who was helping Janet understand the finer points of Galactic history. She said, “Hey, Caveman. What’s up?”

  “We’re taking a little vacation, I’m afraid.”

  “Only you would be afraid of a little vacation. Where are we going?”

  “Shaved Ape Key.”

  “What brought this on?”

  “Somebody tipped Bill Rottum that we were in contact with aliens. This somebody has enough rank that he can’t just ignore it, so he has to send Mike and Tina to check it out. He asked me to try and keep them from seeing anything they might have to report.”

  “Since they will be here on official business, they can’t see the Gene, right?”

  “It would work out better that way.”

  “So, Sally is going to take the Gene and hide, while you pretend to be clueless about aliens?”

  “That’s the plan. Do you have a better idea?”

  “Nope. I’m guessing that’s why Beatriz called Janet and asked if she would like to spend some time on the planet while we’re in the system?”

  “Yep. We figured that a few more people on Shaved Ape Key might make it easier to sell the idea that we were settling in.”

  “Sounds reasonable. When do we leave?”

  “Soon as Jeeves can get us packed, I suppose. You want to take the Audi?”

  “Sounds like fun. What made you think of that?”

  “It was Sally’s idea. She thought it would make it look more like we were settling in.”

  “Who all is going with us?”

  “You would have to ask Beatriz. She’s in charge of rounding up volunteers.”

  “Are Grandpa and Dee coming?”

  “Last I heard, they were headed out to see if they could buy Tex’s girlfriend.”

  “You’re not kidding, are you?”

  “Nope. Last I saw Dingus, he was on the bridge, asking Tex where he might find the lady in question.”

  Janet spoke up. “So, you mean this is actually a job for the company, and not just a vacation on the planet?”

  Nikki said, “It looks that way to me. We’ll have to pretend to have fun, and everything. Sounds like hard work.”

  “You don’t have to be that way about it. If it’s actually for a good cause, and not just Grandma Cachi trying to get me off the ship, I’m in.”

  I asked, “Do you think Milly will come, too?”

  “As long as it is for the good of the ship, sure she will.”

  My comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  “Boss, this is Jeeves. Are we about to go to the planet?”

  “Yes, Jeeves, we are. I should have already let you know. Things have been a bit hectic.”

  “Anything special you would like me to pack?”

  “We need to make it look like we have moved to the planet, so bring everything.”

  “I received a query from Topper. He wants to know if you would like your machine tools sent down?”

  “That would really sell it. Ask him to go ahead and do that.”

  “He also said that he had taken the liberty of building you some replicas of the safes you have back home. Would you like those installed as well?”

  “Yes, indeed. What about you? Have you thought of something I’ve missed?”

  “I don’t think so, Boss. I did get a call from a Miss Nunya. She said your new pistol is as tested as she knows how to test it.”

  “Well, then, pack it, and whatever ammo she has made up. I should have time to practice with it, while we’re on the planet. See if she has a printer program for more ammo, if we need it.”

  “Yes, Boss. What ship should I put your things on?”

  “We’ll be taking the Ronald Evans.”

  “Okay, Boss. I’ll see you on board the Evans.”

  “Later, Jeeves.”

  “Goodbye, Boss.”

  Nikki asked, “Was that Jeeves?”

  “It was. He wanted to be sure what we wanted him to pack.”

  “Does he seem a little uptight to you?”

  “He sure does. Wonder what his deal is?”

  Janet asked, “Has he ever been unlocked? He might have some programming that is conflicting with his job.”

  I replied, “I have no idea. He showed up, said Sally had sent him. I figured she knew what she was doing, so I didn’t worry about it.”

  Nikki asked, “Do you mind if I check into it, before we take him to the planet?”

  “Go right ahead. He never has se
emed like he fit in as well as the other bots.”

  My comm rang. “Captain Wilson.”

  Rhonda said, “Captain Bob, is there a good reason I didn’t get invited to go down to the planet with everybody else?”

  “Not that I know of. Beatriz Cachi is in charge of that. Have you done something to whiz her off?”

  “Who?”

  “Beatriz. Diego’s Grandma, haven’t you met her?”

  “Nope. I heard Nunya talking about her and Mrs. Sloan, but I haven’t met her.”

  “Get Gene to take you to her and introduce yourself. She’s trying to scrounge up as many people as she can, I’m sure she’ll be happy to have you along.”

  “What are we going to be doing, anyhow?”

  “Trying to convince the Patrol that the Squirrels are figments of their imagination, mostly.”

  “Is this one of those capers I’ve heard so much about?”

  “Close enough, I suppose. You getting tired of being cooped up in a tin can?”

  “It is a big change from living on a planet all my life. Most of the time, I’m okay, but once in a while, I wanna go outside and take a walk.”

  “I know what you mean. Get with Beatriz, she’ll hook you up.”

  “Thanks, Captain.”

  “No sweat. See you on the planet.”

  Nikki asked, “Rhonda wants to go dirtside?”

  “She does. Apparently, nobody thought to ask her.”

  Janet said, “I’m glad she’s coming with us. She’s fun, and she helps me understand Earth culture.”

  I replied, “Ain’t nothing hard to understand about a bunch of primitives, is there?”

  Janet said, “You’ll have to find someplace else to peddle that line of crap, Captain. I’ve seen you in action.”

  Nikki said, “I do believe you have been shut down, Caveman.”

  “Appears to be the case. I think I’ll go see what else needs doing before we head down.”

  “Janet can catch up on her homework while we’re on ‘vacation’. I’m going to go see what I can learn about Jeeves.”

  Janet said, “I better go get packed.”

  Since we were all going different places, we had to wait our turn on the transit. Nikki and I let Janet go first, so we could spend our time waiting playing tonsil hockey. All too soon, Nikki’s transit car showed up, and I was left by myself. The car showed up, and Gene asked, “Where to, Boss?”