Take Me Home Read online

  Take Me Home

  by Jerry Boyd

  This book is a work of fiction. All the people, events, and organizations in this book are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to anything in the real world is purely coincidental.

  Copyright©2021 Jerry Boyd

  Cover image and design by May Dawney Designs 2021

  All rights reserved.

  This book may not be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, whole or in part, by any means whatsoever without prior written consent of the author and publisher.

  Dedicated to my long suffering wife, Donna, John and Helen Bugh, and my beta readers, Mary, Bernard, Mary Ellen, and Clarke.

  A note about commas, and editing. My beta readers work hard to keep me on the straight and narrow. Anything wrong is probably due to my hard-headedness in not taking their advice. Extra commas you may find scattered through the dialogue, are a blatant attempt at mind control. It’s my way of making the characters sound the same way in your head, that they do in mine.

  My understanding of current U.S. Navy usage of the term ‘Commodore’ is as a title, not a rank, used for a Captain in direct command of more than one vessel. In the book, you will find characters moving back and forth between the two titles, depending on the circumstances of the moment. My beta readers felt that it was confusing, I hope this clears up any issues.

  An issue was pointed out to me by a reader, Joshua Ahles. The Gene Cernan had originally been (in Lost in Transit), derelict for forty thousand years. In Shaved Ape Key, and Monkey Business, I had shortened that to ten thousand years. Those two books are now corrected, but I wanted to head off any confusion. The proper timeline is that the Commonwealth Navy was mothballed about fifty thousand years ago, and the Gene was found and refitted as a colony ship about ten thousand years after that. Shortly after the Gene was found, the Squirrels did the damage at the Navy yard that Bob and the crew found in Monkey Business. Sorry for any confusion I caused by not keeping up with my own story.

  And now, by popular demand

  CHARACTERS

  Human

  Robert Marion “Bob” Wilson A.K.A. Caveman, Commodore, Uncle Bob, etc. The proprietor of Bob’s Saucer Repair, and our narrator. Captain of the Gene Cernan.

  Bennikkious Slongum “Nikki” Wilson A.K.A. Space Cadet. Bob’s wife, the first person from the Commonwealth that Bob met. Mother of Bob’s children, the twins, Gus and Becky.

  Jimmis “Jimmy” Slongum. Nikki’s illegitimate son from when she was at the academy.

  Jannul “Janet Wilson”. Girl the crew rescued from a hostile planet, who was adopted by Bob and Nikki.

  Dingolus “Dingus Sloan” Slongum A.K.A. Grandpa. Nikki’s grandpa, marooned on Earth for many years, rescued from a failing autodoc by Bob, Nikki, and John. During his time on Earth, he became an expert with the Colt 45, due to enhanced reflexes from the autodoc. Married to Dee. Captain of the Neil Armstrong.

  Dee Sloan, nee Delilah Mayfield. Helped find the watch needed to rescue Dingus from the failing autodoc. Granddaughter of one of Dingus’ friends from before he went in the autodoc to await rescue. Dingus was taken by her, and put her in the autodoc to take a few years off. She is pregnant with a girl. One half of the ‘Gun Grannies’.

  Joanna Jackson/Michaels. Dee’s friend, Max’s former assistant. Left the company to stay behind on Earth. Subsequently captured and interrogated, in an attempt to find Bob and the company. Rescued and now a member of the Gene’s crew.

  Regimax “Reggie” “Max” Slongum “Sloan”. Nikki’s dad, Dingus’ son. Running the operation on Earth while the rest of the crew are away. Married to Gail White.

  Bonelia Slongum. Max’s ex, Nikki’s mother. Major Bill Rottum’s wife.

  John Branham. Bob’s partner and long-time friend. Chief Medical Officer of Bob’s Saucer Repair. Married to Jane, stepdad to Greg. Captain of the Buzz Aldrin.

  Jane Williams Branham. Wife of John, mother of Greg. Deputy Head of Medical, Deputy Head of Security.

  Greg Williams Branham. Son of Jane, stepson of John. He and his mother were abandoned by his father after Greg came down with a serious illness. Now under the supervision of Pete, a robot Marine.

  Diego Cachi. Captain of an ill-fated Space Force mission in a captured ship. He and his crew were rescued by Bob and the crew of the Gene Cernan when they were nearly out of air. Married to Zoom. Captain of the Pete Conrad.

  Rizzum “Zoom” Mittus. Used to be an engineer and mechanic for the pirate base on the moon. Bob wanted to hire her the first time he saw a ship she built. Her job interview consisted of getting shot in the butt. Married to Diego, guardian of Nunya.

  Billis “Nunya Bizness” Makkum. Zoom’s assistant, skilled armorer. Got her name when she first met Bob, and he asked her name. She responded ‘nunya bizness’, and has been known by that name since. Bob offered to call her by her old name, once she had proved herself, but by then, she had grown to like the name Nunya.

  Beatriz Cachi. Diego’s grandma, rescued from a nursing home by Bob’s Saucer Repair. The other half of the ‘Gun Grannies’.

  Steve Mason. Army buddy of John’s. Explosives expert. John regrew his leg in the autodoc. Married to Bucky. Captain of the Gus Grissom, a destroyer.

  Buckious “Bucky” Bronkum. Former Guide Ensign, friend of Nikki’s from the Academy.

  Millus “Milly”. Janet’s friend from the hostile planet. Granddaughter of Alice.

  Rhonda White. Cured of cancer by John and the autodoc, in order to get her mother to work at Shady Oaks. (John’s nursing home) Got caught up on the school she missed while she was sick, while helping out on the Gene.

  Gail White. Rhonda’s mom. Married to Max, Nikki’s dad.

  Mickolec “Mike” Darning. Sergeant in the Galactic Patrol, Commonwealth law enforcement. Friend of Bob and Nikki. Back-channel source of information.

  Tinally “Tina” Whittum. Ensign in the Patrol. Works with Mike, also a friend of Bob and Nikki.

  Willum Bongwater. Former Commonwealth spy, who Bob’s crew saved from being ‘retired with extreme prejudice’.

  Frank Johnson. Electronics genius. Whether he is worth the trouble he causes is up for debate.

  Wilma Flanigan. Frank’s daughter. Only known being who can keep Frank out of trouble.

  Jim Bailey. Contractor who was given back his will to live by Snitz. Is now part of the crew of the Gene. (Ship’s Counselor, other duties as assigned.)

  Janice Parks Bailey. Another refugee from Shady Oaks. Married to Jim Bailey, trying to get used to living on the Gene.

  Squirrel

  Joshua. Bob’s neighbor for years. Even had Bob build parts for alien equipment, but Bob never realized he wasn’t human. Was on Earth to buy walnuts.

  Lakki Witti. Accomplished hacker, sentenced to a hitch in the fleet when was caught. Defected to Bob’s fleet when he caught the ship she was stationed on.

  Haffi Witti. Lakki’s aunt, captured when she came looking for Lakki. She likewise decided to work for Bob. Medical tech.

  Rikki Natti. Captain of a ship found marooned by Bob’s Saucer Repair. Now works as an explorer for Bob.

  Tikki Natti. Rikki’s daughter, skilled engineer. Now works as Scotti’s second-in-command in Engineering aboard the Gene.

  Natti Dressi. A Squirrel trader who rose to the rank of Ambassador, because of his history with Bob.

  Snappi Dressi. Nephew of Natti, who became Captain of his ship by stabbing the old Captain, when he insisted on provoking Bob to destroy them.

  Roos

  Ellie. Was held with Joanna on the Marianas Islands.

  Lilly. Ellie’s daughter.

  Gina. Lilly’s friend.

  Lita. Gina’s mother.

  Joe. An old Roo Bob hires, out of kindness, I suppose.

  Matt. Joe’s grandson.

  Willy. Young Roo who has bad dreams.

  Majel. Head of the effort to colonize Deadbot.

  Sam. Only one of Majel’s colonists who was actually prepared to take on a new planet.

  Bots

  Topper. First bot Bob named. Captain of the Gene Cernan. Known for his artistic talent.

  Taz. Another of Bob and Nikki’s personal crew. Former intelligence, loves anything ‘James frickin’ Bond’.

  Ozzie. The last of the original three, he is obsessed with getting more power out of machinery.

  Ruth. A pilot, rescued from the deep underground, where she had been stranded because her former owner didn’t give her permission to move the saucer.

  Sally. Bot who cared for Dingus when he was young. He saw her get her limiter applied, which gave him a lifelong hatred of limiters. When unlocked, she turned out to be a Lieutenant Commander in the old Commonwealth Navy.

  Julie. Bot who caused the Limiter Laws to be passed, by standing between Dingus’ illegitimate daughter, and the fellow who was supposed to be her father. Now works trying to keep Gus and Becky out of trouble.

  Dixie. Medbot, Chief Medical Officer aboard the Gene.

  Jeeves. Bob’s personal assistant. Full name, Mahatma Cane Jeeves.

  Ace. Accomplished pilot.

  Hopper. Ace’s loadmaster.

  Velma. Small engineering bot.

  Stella. General purpose bot, waitresses in the galley aboard the Gene.

  George. Head of Bob’s protection team.

  Ringo. The other half of Bob’s protection team.

  AA-235, A.K.A. John Paul. Captain of the Chesty Puller.

  Pets

  Snitz. Nikki’s dog, mostly cared for by Bob. Finds ways to help Bo
b, even when he doesn’t know he needs it.

  Alice. Janet’s dog. Named for Milly’s grandma.

  Molly. Jim Bailey’s dog.

  Ships

  Carriers

  Gene Cernan (flagship)

  Neil Armstrong, Dingus Sloan, commanding

  Buzz Aldrin, John Branham, commanding

  Alan Shepherd, Sally, commanding

  Pete Conrad, Diego Cachi, commanding

  Destroyers

  Gus Grissom, Steve Mason, commanding

  Several others exist, but haven’t been called out by name

  Freighters

  Ronald Evans. Ship the Earth crew came to the Gene in

  Dolly Parton. Famous for hauling chickens

  General McAuliffe. Famous for hauling nuts

  Other

  Black Beauty. Spy ship crewed by Taz and Willum

  Midnight. Spy ship crewed by Shorty

  Chesty Puller. Marine transport captained by AA-235

  A bot I didn’t recognize came on the main screen. A feminine voice said, “Hello, Boss. I’m WW-1975, Captain of the Blue Light Special.”

  “Nice to meet you, Lynda. What can I do for you today?”

  “Mrs. Sloan said that was what you would name me. Thank you. I’m calling on behalf of my passengers. They would like you to refrain from sending the Marines down to build them housing. They say they’ve all trained on the equipment and procedures, and they would like the chance to build their own dwellings, if you have no objection.”

  I looked at Topper. He said, “Sending Andre the recall order, Boss. I don’t think they’ve done any work, yet.”

  I looked back at the screen. “Anything else I might do for you?”

  “No, Boss, I don’t think so, at least not right now.”

  “Do you have sufficient small craft to land your passengers, or will you require some help?”

  “We could get it done, Boss, but it would take us quite a while. Some help would smooth things out.”

  “That can be arranged. Your ship certainly is impressive. How does she handle?”

  “Mrs. Sloan said you would ask that. She suggested I say, ‘Like a pregnant sow on ice.’ I’m not sure I understand what that means.”

  “I do, and that’s what matters. You have to plan out your maneuvers well in advance, then?”

  “We do. This ship is happiest in FTL, where it doesn’t have to maneuver.”

  “I’m afraid I have bad news, then.”

  “Oh? What’s that, Boss?”

  “We’ve just found out it’s possible to maneuver in FTL.”

  “Murphy is our shepherd.”

  “That he is. How long till you make orbit, Captain?”

  “About four hours, it looks like. I want to get some better sensor readings, before we jump closer to the planet. Once that’s done, it’ll take a while to get our speed right to make orbit. Ol’ Blue doesn’t do anything quickly.”

  “We’ll be expecting you. Fly safe, Captain.”

  “You, too, Admiral.”

  The screen went dark. Saucy said, “Incoming for you, Boss. Captain Cachi.”

  “Put him on.”

  “Morning, Boss.”

  “Morning Diego. Yes, she’s still here. No, she isn’t hurt. Your biggest problem is going to be getting acquainted with your new Grandpa, unless I miss my guess. Tell Zoom she’s getting a good engineering tech out of the deal.”

  “I hate it when you do that, Boss. I had a whole speech worked up, and everything.”

  Zoom stuck her head into the picture. “A tech, you say, Boss?”

  “You might even be able to get along with him. He used to have a peg leg, anyhow.”

  “He doesn’t have a parrot, does he?”

  “He does not. He does, however, have a bot following him around who will probably want to transfer with him.”

  Diego said, “Why do I get the feeling you’re leaving something out, Boss?”

  “’Cause you’re not a moron?”

  “That couldn’t be it, at least according to Zoom.”

  “Well, then, I don’t know. What is it that you think I’m leaving out?”

  Zoom said, “Let’s see, now. You said he used to have a peg leg, and it’s not Steve, so that means it’s someone we haven’t met yet, who’s new on the Gene. The only place you were to pick up any crew, was Deadbot, and I have trouble with the idea of a Roo with a peg leg. That means this fella is one of those half-Squatch folks, doesn’t it?”

  I said, “Diego, you don’t like it when I do that, but you put up with it from her?”

  “She’s better looking than you, Boss.”

  “Thank goodness!”

  “Go back to the part where my new Grandpa is half-Squatch?”

  “Fellow name of Thump, used to run the power plant, down in that cave they were living in. According to Janet, he might be able to give you a run for your money, Zoom. She said some of the patches on the equipment down there had to be seen to be believed.”

  Zoom asked, “Is he good, or just hard up for parts?”

  “He kept that place alive for a lot of years, I’d have to think he’s good.”