Whammo Ranch Page 6
“Okay. Thanks Dee, I’ll see if we can get that taken care of. Enjoying the galaxy?”
“You could say that. Do you need anything else? I need to get back.”
“Nope. Thanks, Dee.”
“Later, Bob.”
“See, Julie, no biggie. All we gotta do is kidnap a little old lady.”
“Big Brass Ones, Bob. It’s always simple with you, isn’t it?”
“Try to keep it that way, if I can.”
“How long is it going to take to arrange all this, you think?”
Nikki was working with her watch. I said, “I think we’re about to find out.”
Nikki looked up at us watching her. “So I’m making the crazy plans now?”
“That wasn’t what you were doing on your watch?”
“Well, yes, but I expected you to come up with something too.”
“Last time we hired a hacker to fake the records. If Mrs. Jackson doesn’t have family, that’s probably not going to work this time. I haven’t come up with much yet. How ‘bout you, Julie?”
“You know, Bob, up until the last couple of weeks, I thought you were a law abiding citizen, square as a cube. Funny how wrong a person can be. I don’t have a thing. You want to know how to keep your tips off your taxes, I’m your girl. This is above my pay grade.”
Nikki said, “I guess I’m driving then. Bob, you already rented that truck. That’s for moving the rest of your tools, right?”
“Yes.”
“You’re doing it at night so the boys can help?”
“Yes.”
“Those big windows at the home would be no problem for the boys to pop out and put back. All you would have to do is divert for a few minutes, and then go right back to moving.”
“I like it so far, but John’s autodoc is full.”
“One of the saucers has a newer model on board, all ready to go. The bots just went over it. She won’t make lunch rush, but I think we can have her here by supper.”
Julie spoke up, “Who are these ‘boys’ you two are talking about? You think you can have Mrs. Jackson here for supper rush tomorrow? My brain hurts.”
Nikki said, “The boys are three cargo robots Bob has adopted. Their names are Topper, Ozzie, and Taz. You should see them playing Frisbee with Snitz. I’m pretty sure Mrs. Jackson can be up and around tomorrow afternoon, unless there’s something wrong with her we don’t know about yet.”
“You guys are nuts. Can I ride along?”
“We’ll pick you up here when we get back to town. That work?”
“Yes.”
We finished our meal, and I called John. “Hey partner, up for a little fun?”
“Good Lord, Bob. That’s your ‘pitching a caper’ voice. Are you trying to scare me?”
“No, not at all. This one will be way easier than busting Dee out. No paperwork this time.”
“That’s called kidnapping, Bob.”
“Dee’s really sure the lady is tired of being doped up.”
“You talked to Dee? Are they back?”
“Nope. Just called her to help with a problem for Julie.”
“Julie’s problem involves a raid on Shady Oaks? Things get complicated when you’re around, Bob.”
“Now you’re just being mean. It’s Nikki’s plan.”
“I feel SO much better now. I’ll see if Max minds watching the autodoc. Will you be here soon?”
“Nikki has to drop me off, then she’ll be right out.”
Nikki dropped me at the rental, and we made plans to meet back at the restaurant. I ran home to get the boys. They had the lights on in the shop when I pulled up. I called and asked Topper to run the door up. “Sorry, sir, we are finishing the installation on the opener. It will be a few minutes before we can open the door.”
“Can you leave it in the state it is in?”
“We’d rather not. Taz is holding the unit in place.”
“Okay. I’ll be right in.”
I hung up and went in through the regular door. The boys all had their legs extended to work on the opener. I’d never seen them do high work before. I looked around, and saw that the shop was nearly finished. I wandered around, looking at all they had done. I heard the door start up, and Taz retracted to his normal height. He did a quick spin and then acted like he was panting. His imitation of his namesake was hilarious. I said, “You fellas have been accessing Earth media, then?”. Topper said, “Yes. Is that unacceptable?”.
“Not at all.”
“Does our work meet your approval, sir?”
“No, Topper, it does not. It far exceeds any expectations I had. You boys are amazing.”
“We have finished here. Should we return to the barn?”
“No, we need to go to town to pick up a few things. Could you fellas get in the truck, please?”
“Certainly, sir.”
I turned off the lights and closed the door. They climbed into the truck, with Topper singing, “Lord, take me downtown, I’m just lookin’ for some tush.” I asked, “Okay, Ozzie, it’s your turn. What do you have?”
“I’m going off the rails on a crazy train.”
I laughed and pulled the door down. I knew I was in trouble as soon as they found Compressorhead videos on line.
I called Jack on the way into town. “Hi Jack, how’s it going tonight?’
“It’s a weeknight, so pretty slow. You do know I’m working tonight, don’t you?”
“I was hoping you were on, but I didn’t know for sure.”
“More alien punks needing rescue?”
“Nope. Just need a favor, if you can.”
“After that courier the other day, I’m motivated, Bob. How much jail time are we talking?”
“None, if Nikki’s plan holds up.”
“What do you need, then?”
“If you get a call out to Shady Oaks in the next hour or so, can you take your time responding?”
“Dee’s got you busting out her buddies, now?”
“Something like that. Julie needs help running the restaurant. Dee recommended someone.”
“They’re back?”
“No. I called her.”
“Do you really want to get on Dingus’ bad side, Bob?”
“No, I do not. I’m working on a surprise for Dee that should get me back on his good side.”
“You found her old car?”
“I did, but the fellow who has it doesn’t want to sell. Dang near pulled a shotgun on me for asking. I’m building her a new one from scratch.”
“You say this guy wanted to shoot you as soon as he met you? That’s odd. Takes most folks a week or two.”
“You’re funny, but looks ain’t everything.”
“See ya, Bob.”
“Later, Jack.”
I met the rest of the crew at Julie’s restaurant, and we drove to the closest parking lot we could leave a big U-Haul in without looking suspicious. The boys got out, and Taz said, “Sir, take these please.” He handed me three ropes, each one tied around one of their necks. They used their arms as front legs, and turned on some kind of camo. Suddenly, I was walking three large dogs. I closed the door, and we went to meet the others. John said, “Nice dogs, Bob. Snitz get lonesome?”
Topper turned off the camo on his head and said, “Good evening, sir. You too look nice.” Then he was a dog again.
John said, “How ‘bout that? Bob’s not just a bad influence on people. He corrupts bots, too.”
Taz faded in, “He is not corrupting us, sir. Mr. Wilson is the nicest owner we have ever had. He has taught us the Frisbee.” He faded out.
“Frisbee, Bob?”
“I don’t have enough work to keep them busy all the time, they enjoy it.”
Nikki was on her comm. “Dee, it’s Nikki. I need to know which room is Joanna’s.”
She counted windows, and said, “I think I have it. Is there some way to tell from outside the window if we have the right room?”
Nikki listened, and replied, �
�Got it. Can you stay on the line to talk to Joanna when we get in? Thanks.”
Nikki led us to a window, and then got out her night vision and checked the room. “This is it. You’re up, boys.”
She must have downloaded what she wanted them to do, because they dropped camo and got right to it. Topper and Ozzie held the window with some kind of suction grippers, while Taz removed the frame holding the window in. Taz finished, backing out of the way. Topper and Ozzie pulled the window, moving to the side. Nikki and John went over the sill, and could hear Dee’s voice calming Joanna. Shortly, John handed her over the sill to me, and they climbed back out. The boys reinstalled the window, and then John led the dogs back to the truck. I put Joanna in the back seat of Dee’s truck, and John crawled in the other side to start waking her up. I kissed Nikki, and got back in the U-Haul. When I got to the old place, the neighbor was walking his dog. I pulled to a stop and called out, “Just getting a few last things. I’ll try not to make too much noise.”
He said, “Sorry to see you go, Bob. You’ve always been a good neighbor.”
I backed up tight to the old shop, so nosy eyes wouldn’t see the boys doing their thing. I showed them what needed done, and mostly just stayed out of the way. Topper said, “All done, sir. Should we load up now?”
“We have a few more things to get. I’ll need to back up to the house.”
“We should ride in the truck, correct?”
“That would be right. Thank you, Topper.”
We pulled both my safes, and I looked to make sure I wasn’t forgetting anything. Then we loaded up and went home. I backed up to the big door, and the boys got to work unloading. Nikki walked up with Snitz. I asked, “Do you mind following me back in to return this truck? Tomorrow is going to be busy enough.”
“Sure. Snitz will want to ride with you, though. He whined when I brought him here and he couldn’t find you.”
“No problem.”
We dropped off the truck, put the keys in the drop box, and headed back. When we got in, Snitz had to check one more time to make sure his outdoors was in order.
Ear licking time was early, as usual, and I started coffee on the way out. Nikki was up when we got back. “Caveman, we need somebody to stay away from this meeting to be able to call Dingus if things go sideways.”
“I agree, but I already told John I would be there. You know regs better than any of us. Maybe we could get your Dad to come over and stay with Snitz. When is Joanna supposed to wake up?”
“I set the doc to hold her till we woke her manually. I wasn’t sure what might happen today, and I didn’t want her waking up alone.”
We ate, and drove to John’s. Max was fine with not dealing with the Patrol, so Nikki took him and Snitz to our place. I got a call after they left, asking if there would be someone home to receive another delivery. I said yes, and then called Max to tell him to just have the driver put it in the garage.
Nikki got back, and John said, “Well, we’re as ready as were going to get. Call the sergeant, Bob.”
“Sergeant Darning? This is Bob Wilson. Young Bill is ready for a ride home, if you’ve got time to pick him up.”
“Mr. Wilson, you always have the most cheerful news. I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
We waited five minutes, and then John and I went to wake him up. Nikki stayed to greet the Patrol. Bill woke, saw who we were, and sputtered, “You two again! Where is Ms. Slongum? I will have words with her.”
John saw I wasn’t going to be calm enough to do the talking, and said, “We saved your ass again, Buttercup. You might want to check your attitude. Your ride will be here soon. Get dressed, and we’ll take you to meet it.”
“My ride? What are you blathering about?”
“Your uncle is sending someone to pick you up. Your saucer was in pretty bad shape.”
Bill lost some of his color. “My uncle? Why did you call him?”
“We didn’t have contact information for anyone else. Is there a problem?” John was grinning at this point, since he knew Bill was in deep kimchee for coming to Earth without a valid permit.
Bill tried to play it off, saying, “Oh, no, no problem.”
The wind out of his sails, Bill got dressed and we took him upstairs. Nikki was chatting with Sergeant Mike. “Oh, here they are. Sorry to have delayed you, Sergeant.”
“No trouble ma’am, it was only a minute. How are you gentlemen?”
“Doing well. And yourself?”, I replied.
“Another day in the Patrol, nothing special.”
“Guess you have to get back? No time for coffee?”
“I’ve heard about this coffee, and I’d like to try some, but not today, I’m afraid. Things to do.”
Bill really wanted to go off on Sergeant Mike for being so friendly with us, it showed all over his face, but he held his tongue. John said, “You really should come by sometime when you can stay for a bit. Maybe Sunday, we’ll get you in on our paintball game.”
“Sounds good, I’ll let you know if I can make it. See you later.”
When the saucer was gone, we all breathed a sigh of relief. Nikki said, “That was smoother than I expected. “What did you two do to Bill?”
John said, “All we did was tell him we had called his uncle to pick him up. I guess that wasn’t how he wanted to get home.”
“You realize that means the Major will be forced to take official notice of the fact he was here without a permit, flying an unsafe saucer, right?”
I spoke up, “Aw, that’s just too bad for young Bill, isn’t it?”
She said, “Caveman, the Major isn’t going to be happy we made him put his nephew in legal trouble. He will hold a grudge.”
“Wasn’t he already? The trackers on that saucer, weren’t they for the purpose of giving one of us up to the pirates?”
“It does look that way, but this doesn’t do anything to make things better.”
“No, it doesn’t. I don’t know how else we could of handled it, though. Should we have patched Bill and his saucer up for free, and sent him on his merry way? We’re already not getting paid for his time in the box. At least they paid up for hauling his clunker to the Patrol base.”
“I don’t think there was a good answer, Caveman.”
John said, “Can’t make everybody happy. I thought you were going to finish training before they got here, Bob?”
“Too much going on, I forgot. Better do it now, before something else happens.”
Nikki said, “Call me when you need a ride, I’m gonna help Dad with that delivery.”
She gave me a kiss and a hug, and drove off.
“She’s right, you know, the Major is gonna want a chunk out of us for this.”, John said.
“I know. If we had snuck Bill back without telling him, he would have been madder when he found out. At least this way, it looks like we respect his authority.”
“You may be right. It’s not something we can do much about, either way.”
“Wish Dingus was here. He’d know what to do.”
“Can’t shoot everything, Bob.”
After my training, I told John, “You should take this stuff, too. It teaches you how to deal with the faster reflexes, how to get the best use out of them.”
“You think I’ve been slacking off? The hardest part is giving myself the shots. Max doesn’t want to learn how.”
“Surprise! Surprise!”
“Okay, Gomer, you want a ride home?”
“Thanks.”
We had to park in the road, since the delivery truck was unloading. We went to see if we could help. The driver’s pallet jack wasn’t doing too good on gravel, but with all of us pushing, we made it. “Guess I better see about getting this drive paved.”, I said.
The driver said, “Ah gee, just for me?”
“My crew is out of something to do for a couple days. Might as well, don’t you think?”
“Bad enough you guys are in the middle of nowhere. Now you’re comedians, too?”
Nikki said, “Oh, he was like this even when he lived in town. I think it’s a birth defect.”
John said, “Nah, just dropped on his head when he was a baby. Repeatedly.”
The driver asked me, “These are your friends? How do people treat you when they don’t like you?”
“They’re not that bad. At least I know they’re paying attention.”
I tipped him for fighting the driveway, and he headed out.
I asked Nikki, “Do you think boys could make it look like blacktop? It would be nice to be able to unload without all the fuss.”
“Other wives get presents. All I get is more work. I don’t think you’re doing this right, Caveman.”
“Guess I need more practice.”
John said, “How did bots turn into ‘boys’?”
I answered, “They’ve just gotten a little more personality.”
“Personality? Do I wanna know?”
“They’ve been accessing the internet, finding out things about their names. It’s cool.”
“I think I need to see this.”
“Okay.” I grabbed a couple of the new Frisbees, and let Snitz out of the house.
“C’mon, Max, fresh air and sunshine will do you good.”
Max grumbled.
Nikki said, “Dad, it will be fun. Don’t be a grump.”
He got up and came along.
When we got to the shop, Taz greeted us with a spin and mimed heavy breathing. John lost it. “Taz, my man, that is right on. Give me five.” He stuck out his hand. Taz froze for a second, accessing the internet. Then he lightly slapped John’s hand. “You have brought more discs, and Snitz the canine. Is there to be fun, today?”
“Yes, Taz. Where are Ozzie and Topper?”, I asked.
“They have yet to finish their instruments.”
“Instruments?”
“Yes. Drums are easy. I’m already done.”
John said, “Have they found Compressorhead?”
I answered, “It sounds like they may have. See now why I like to keep them busy?”
Nikki asked, “What is Compressorhead?”
John said, “An all robot band.”
“They are going to make music?”
I replied, “They may need some practice before you can call it music, but they certainly have the right venue.”
“Venue? What do you mean?”