Monkey Business (Bob and Nikki Book 10) Page 4

  “We’re going to wind up making another run to Squirrel space, just to haul all these idiots back, aren’t we?”

  I replied, “You have the cheeriest thoughts in the morning. Yes, we probably are. I’m not any happier about giving them a second shot at us than you are.” We found our prospects, and Nikki took charge of the kitchen help. One of the Marines hooked up a hose to a pump on our freighter, and gave the other fellow a regular Rambo shower. That knocked down the worst of the smell, but he was still ripe. We got aboard, and headed back to the Gene. The little wet fellow spoke up at that point. “You’re taking us to that infamous monkey, aren’t you? What’s he going to do, serve us up for dinner?”

  I replied, “As a matter of fact, I’m already here. We just need answers to some questions.”

  “Why would we help you, monkey?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, better work assignment, perhaps?”

  “When are you going to return us to our people?”

  “First, I haven’t yet decided that is the best course of action, from our point of view. We just returned several shiploads of your people, and you turkeys are still showing up. Why would sending back more people help?”

  “What nonsense are you talking about now? You’re as bad as those ‘people’ down on the planet.”

  “A bunch of your people came here to take out me and the Gene Cernan. They failed. We took them back to Oak, and dropped them off.”

  “You expect me to believe you went to Oak, and got back alive?”

  Dingus spoke up. “We did it, whether you choose to believe it, or not.”

  The ramp came down, saving us from any more of his wonderful conversation. The Micks were waiting on us. I said, “We’ve got this fella, and two ladies over there. The gent needs to make the acquaintance of some soap and water before anyone civilized has to sit across from him. He’s annoying, but make sure he doesn’t fall too many times on the way there.”

  Angus said, “Boss, you sure know how to ruin a bot’s day.”

  I replied, “I’m trying to get him to cooperate, Angus. Not that I think he will, but I need to make the effort.”

  “So, you’re saying he’s fair game on the way back, if he doesn’t talk?”

  “I don’t see why not. He’s annoying. The ladies, on the other hand, have been well behaved. Please treat them with courtesy.”

  “You’re the Boss.”

  Jane came into the bay about then. She said, “You fellas decide to cut me out of the fun, did you?”

  Dingus said, “No, I intended to page you, before I started questioning them.”

  “So, it’s just fresh air and sunshine you’re cutting me out of?”

  Dingus replied, “I suppose you’re right. Begging your pardon, Ma’am.”

  The mouthy little fellow spoke up. “You idiots can’t even control your females! How do you expect to dominate one such as me!” I knew he had opened his mouth at the wrong time, and said the exact wrong thing. Since I was tired of his blustering, I decided to let it play out. Jane grabbed him by the front of his uniform, and stiff-armed him. “No man controls me, loser! I control my own destiny.” She proceeded to tune him up, like the Marine she was. When she finished, Andre said, “Ooh Rah, Ma’am”

  Jane said, “Ooh Rah!”

  I said, “I see you’ve been studying their anatomy. Do you have it down to a machine course yet, or will I have to learn it the old-fashioned way?”

  “Still working on the course, Boss.”

  “Let me know when it’s ready. That looked very effective.”

  “More than it should have been. I expected him to have counters for some of those strikes. I’ve got some grappling, too, but once I got a whiff of him, I decided not to try that out.”

  “Good choice. He’s fresh from shoveling outhouses. We hosed him down, but it didn’t help as much as we had hoped. He seems to have quite the opinion of himself. We’ve yet to see much to back it up.”

  Jane said, “I’ve seen that before. They think by bluffing they can make themselves out to be more than they are. Usually, they fold like lawn chairs.”

  Mouthy spoke up. “I wasn’t ready. She tricked me.” Dingus was holding it together, until I let him down and cracked up. When we got done laughing, Dingus said, “You couldn’t lay a finger on her on your best day. She was one of the best I’ve seen, even before she was enhanced. She could give Bob here a hard time, and he has most of fifty pounds of muscle on her. Not to mention, she’s been studying your anatomy, and knows how to make you hurt.” Mr. Mouthy got up, trying to look casual, like he wasn’t going to try again. None of us bought it, but he didn’t realize that. Jane met his wild charge with an uppercut that sailed him through the air for six or eight feet. He was out before he touched down. Jane said, “Oops, somebody has to carry the stinky idiot, now.”

  The two females had been watching the proceedings with great interest. One of them looked at me and asked, “She struck a male. Will she not be punished?”

  I asked, “Don’t you think he deserved it?”

  “Well, yes, but such things are not allowed.”

  I replied, “I guess we haven’t been properly introduced. I’m Bob Wilson, the Master of this vessel. As such, I get to decide what is and isn’t allowed. I think he richly deserved everything he got.”

  Her friend fainted dead away. I looked at Jane. “We’re even. Should we go for a tiebreaker?”

  She replied, “I think this one is made out of sterner stuff, Boss. I don’t think she’ll be as easy to put down.”

  “You scared my friend so bad that she passed out, and you joke about it? What kind of people are you?”

  I said, “Those scary monkeys your Mama warned you about.”

  She replied, “Those stories are just as silly as the shows that say you are all idiots. Nobody with any sense believes either one.”

  Jane said, “Well, at least she believes she has sense. It’s a start, at the very least.”

  “A start on what?”

  “Having a conversation with you. Learning something about your people, and your culture.”

  “You’re not fooling me, you just want to know where our defenses are, so you can attack us.”

  I said, “If I had wanted to do that, I would have when we were at Oak a couple of days ago.”

  She wilted a little, but she acted like she didn’t believe it. “You were at Oak, and you lived? How can that be?”

  “I studied hard, to be the best Captain I can. I used my skills, and the skills of my crew, to get in and out quickly, before your people could respond.”

  “You really expect me to believe you went to Oak? How dumb do you think I am?”

  “I don’t expect much of anything from you. From what I’ve seen of your people so far, I don’t have high hopes.”

  Angus asked, “Are you ready for us to take them to interrogation, Boss?”

  I replied, “Go right ahead, Angus. I’m not getting anywhere with this one.”

  The Micks collected the three of them, and headed out. The male was only pretending to be out, and tried to get feisty with Ian. He got stunned for his effort. The female we had been talking with asked, “Why did they do that?”

  Jane replied, “Controlling him while he was actively resisting would have run too much risk of injuring him. As much as we might enjoy that, we don’t endanger prisoners unnecessarily.”

  The Squirrel sputtered for a minute, and then asked, “You would enjoy hurting him?”

  Dingus said, “He’s been a pain in our butts. Seeing him get a little pain back would be enjoyable, yes.”

  “Wait, let me get this straight. You only want to hurt him to pay him back for being annoying?”

  I said, “Exactly. What did you think our reason would be?”

  “You are warlike monkeys. Don’t you want to torture us to find out how to conquer our worlds?”

  Jane said, “There are people like that, I suppose, but we’re not that way. We’d rather find a way
to do business with you, be friends. If the Captain was interested in conquering your worlds, he would have already woken up the rest of the Navy. One ship isn’t going to be enough to take on a whole civilization.”

  “Why did you wake up this ship, then?”

  I said, “I didn’t. We found it, adrift and wrecked. The bots patched it up for us.”

  “You expect me to believe you just found this ship?”

  I replied, “I can’t say as I do. There are a lot of mornings I wake up and have to convince myself.”

  Angus said, “This way, please, Ma’am. It would take more time than we have to convince you that the Captain has done all the things that he has. You can believe him or not, but we need to get you situated.”

  He led her off to the brig. Dingus said, “I don’t know how much luck we’re going to have, trying to get through to this bunch.”

  I replied, “And these are the ones that were supposed to be easy to talk to. Imagine if we had just grabbed a couple at random.”

  Jane said, “We’ll do what we can, but I hope you’re not expecting great results.”

  “So far, I haven’t seen anything to lead me to expect anything but their total refusal to cooperate. I’m hoping you’re going to give me a pleasant surprise, but I can’t say I have a lot of faith.”

  Jane replied, “At least you have realistic expectations. That’s better than most people I’ve worked for.”

  Dingus said, “We’ll get Lakki and Tikki to help, and see if we can make any progress. One of us will get ahold of you if one of them decides to play nice.”

  I said, “Good luck with that.” The two of them headed toward the transit. Nikki asked, “Am I doing good enough at staying out of the way, and letting you be Captain?”

  I replied, “You’re doing that on purpose? I thought you were just worn out from being pregnant. You know I value your input, right?”

  “I do, but I don’t want to interrupt and mess with you being clearly in command. I don’t want it to seem like you have to clear your orders through me.”

  “Thanks, but please speak up if I’m being stupid. I may be better at being Captain than I was, but I still don’t know all that much about it.”

  “I will, Caveman. You should know you don’t have to worry about that. I’m still a little in awe of how fast you were able to get good at this.”

  “If I’m so good, how is it I can’t figure out how to get through to the Squirrels?”

  “Let’s see, you’ve been working on it all of a couple of weeks, and you haven’t been able to do business with a completely alien race? Gee, you’re right, Caveman. You are performing below standard.”

  “Thanks, Space Cadet. Just what I need, some perspective. I guess I am expecting a lot, aren’t I?”

  “With the badges translating for you, it gets hard to remember that the person you’re talking to isn’t human. You could manage pretty good with the Sasquatch, mostly because their outlook on life and yours aren’t all that different. The Squirrels are a different thing altogether.”

  “I’m not sure I understand quite what you’re saying.”

  “Sasquatch like to live back in the woods, away from people, and be self-reliant. Who does that sound like? Hillbillies, maybe? Your outlook on life just isn’t that different from theirs, it’s no wonder that you were able to get along with them.”

  “You’re saying that Squirrels start from a different place, and it’s not as easy for me to understand?”

  “Right on the first guess. You need to figure out how they think, so that you can figure out what they want.”

  “You’re telling me I’ve made a strategic error, then?”

  “How do you mean?”

  “The two people with the best chance of explaining where I’m going wrong are Joshua and Rikki. They’re both deep in Squirrel territory, where I can’t ask them questions. I shouldn’t have sent them there, until I was able to figure out how to communicate with the Squirrels.”

  “If you want to look at it that way, I think you’re missing a trick. One of a hacker’s most useful tools is social engineering. Lakki is a world-class hacker, supposedly. Surely, she could give you a great deal of insight on how a Squirrel’s mind works.”

  “There’s a thought. Glad I have you around to kick my butt when I quit thinking.”

  “Is that the only reason you keep me around?”

  Once the tonsil hockey was done with, I asked, “What do you think?”

  “I think I’m glad Janet is feeling better. We better grab some lunch before the next thing happens.”

  We got a transit, and headed for the galley. Dixie was there, and she said, “Sally has another course ready for you, Boss, as soon as you’re done with your lunch.”

  “Thanks. I’ll have the special.”

  We sat down, and Nikki asked, “What do you figure on doing after you get done training?””

  “I thought I would see how Jane and your Grandpa were doing, down in interrogation.”

  “You mind if I meet you down there?”

  “Why would I mind? You’re one of the smartest people on this crew. I would be silly not to want your help.”

  “I swear, Caveman, if I didn’t know you meant every word of that, I’d think you were buttering me up for something.”

  “You mean it can’t be both?”

  “How is it you can be so flattering, and so annoying, all at the same time?”

  “Practice?”

  “Finish your meal, Asshole. We have things to do.” We finished up, and I went to meet Jasmine in the ready room. She lit me up, and when I came out of it, I headed for the brig. I met as I was heading in. “No luck?”

  “I’m just in the way. Lakki is so much better at getting information out of people.”

  “You’re more used to dealing with machines. They’re a little bit logical, at least.”

  “It’s always the part you’re sure is good that lays down, isn’t it?”

  “Always seemed that way to me.”

  “I better get back to it.”

  “Do I even want to know what you folks are working on?”

  “Scotti would rather we didn’t say anything until we’re closer to having results.”

  “Oh boy, my world is going to get thrown for a loop again.”

  “What was it I saw in the culture pack? Something from one of your old authors, ‘Methinks he doth protest too much’, or something like that?”

  “Busted! Can’t a Captain get a break around here?”

  “You’re funny, Captain. See you around.”

  “Later, .”

  Sean was standing guard. I asked, “Which room are they in?” He showed me. I went into the observation room, since I was beginning to think my presence made it harder to get the Squirrels to talk. Nikki was already there. She said, “Hey, Caveman. Lakki seems to be having better luck than you did. I wonder why that is?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m beginning to think it has something to do with me being the leader around here. They seem to have a need to challenge me, I’m not sure why.”

  “You mean they’re hard-wired to challenge authority?”

  “I hadn’t thought about it that way, but I think that may be it. If it is, how do we get around it?”

  “Danged if I know, Caveman. Maybe Lakki will have some ideas when she gets done in there.”

  We kept watching, while Lakki deftly maneuvered information out of the female we had been talking with earlier. Dingus and Jane were just as much spectators as we were. Lakki got all she thought she could, and asked to have the female returned to her cell. We stepped out and met the team in the hall. I said, “Nicely done. Nikki and I were just discussing how much easier it seems to be for you to get her to talk, than it was for me.”

  Lakki said, “I’m not the dominant male. Our people are wired to confront a dominant male from another group.”

  Dingus spoke up. “She wouldn’t even talk to me, Bob. Don’t feel like the Lone Stran
ger.”

  I asked, “Did she have any idea how many ships they were going to send?”

  Lakki replied, “Sorry, no. She did think that they hadn’t all arrived yet, but they should be arriving soon.”

  Just then, Ruth came over the speaker. “Prepare for immediate maneuvering. Captain to the bridge, please.”

  I ran for the transit. Gene gave me priority, without my even asking. I ran out and across to the bridge. Topper sang out, “Captain on the bridge.” I replied, “As you were. Report.”

  Sally said, “Ship came out of FTL, apparently from Squirrel space. We are preparing to intercept. Do you want the conn, Boss?”

  “Yes, please. Ruth, are you ready on the jump?”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “Topper, give them the full light show. That will give Tex a few seconds to work.”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “Tex, drive killer, stunner, and launch drones. Let’s put a stop to this nonsense.”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “Jump, Ruth. Gene, page Abe and Pete to the landing bay, please.”

  “On it, Boss.” Topper filtered the feed to the screen, so that it wasn’t as bright this time. Sensors called, “I show them all stunned, Boss. No self-destruct in evidence.”

  Sally said, “Abe and Pete are away.”

  “Ask Scotti which bay she wants that ship in. Bring it aboard once the Marines have it cleared.”

  “Yes, Boss.”

  “Tell Angus he has more guests.”

  Sally said, “Already taken care of, Boss.”

  “Nicely done.”

  Topper said, “Incoming from Morning Flower.”

  “On speaker, please.”

  “Bawb, you are fast! We can’t take them down like that.”

  “I offered you the Gene, and you didn’t want it. Have you changed your mind?”

  “No, Bawb. I like to fly the fighters. What are we going to do with so many of the short people?”

  “I guess I’ll have to take them home, sooner or later.”

  “I know you went there once already. Won’t they be waiting for you this time?”

  “Probably. Guess we’ll just have to be sneaky.”

  “Bawb is the right person for that.”

  “Glad you think so. I better get back to work. Talk to you later.”