Whammo Ranch Page 14

  “I’ll get their names straight. I’m just used to calling them by their numbers,”

  I said, “You’re doing better than me. I was just saying ‘hey robot’, till I named them.”

  Dee said, “You boys are up to something, and you’re not going to get me sidetracked that easy.”

  Joanna spoke up, “It’s a good surprise, Delilah, I promise you that. Those boys have your best interest at heart, you know. Let them have their fun.”

  “All right, but I got my eye on you two bozos. Least John ain’t here. That would be too much ornery in one place.”

  I said, “You’re in for a treat, then. Not just the regular bunch is coming for paintball, your buddy Mike is gonna be there, too.”

  “My buddy? You mean that sergeant that hit on me? Bob, you’re E-ville!”

  “He’s all right, I just hope he brings some fresh drawers for after he meets Colonel Dingus.”

  Nikki exclaimed, “Grandpa, you got promoted?”

  Dingus said, “Courtesy promotion, when I retired, no biggie.”

  I asked, “So are you two hanging around then?”

  “Probably, Why do you ask?”

  “Well, there are a couple more places in the holler here we should probably buy up, just for security’s sake. No use of ‘em sitting empty. John’s buying Shady Oaks, figured Dee would be a good choice to get it squared away. I could dang sure use some adult supervision, if you’re up for it. You need more reasons? We just like having you around, and we miss you when you ain’t.”

  “Well, Bob, since you put it like that, I think we could see our way clear to hang around for a spell, don’t you, D-lightful?”

  “Depends on this surprise you boys got going. I still don’t trust you two.”

  I said, “At least she’s still got good sense.”

  Dingus replied, “There is that. Hey, Bob, I’ve got a package for John. Could we take it on your truck?”

  “Not a problem, but we may have to make two trips. I promised the boys paintball.”

  “You’re a wonder, Bob Wilson. I nearly forgot, I know you said you didn’t want to be paid for that teaching machine fix, but the Guide insists. Can I get your account info?”

  “I suppose. Who would of thought just having dogs around would make so much difference.”

  Lyla spoke up, “Saved Genny’s life.”

  Dee asked, “Who’s Genny?”

  Lyla said, “Leelee’s Grandma.”

  Dingus said, “This Leelee would be the small human Taz was so fond of?”

  I replied, “Sure is. She’s a trouper. Her Grandma was passed out, and she couldn’t hardly reach the controls, but she rigged it so Nikki could drive remote and bring them aboard the freighter.”

  “Sounds like Taz picked a good one for a friend.”

  “He did. Hope to see them sometime when there’s not life on the line.”

  We finished up lunch, and the ladies piled in Nikki’s rig to go to John’s. I called the boys, and asked them to bring a maintenance bot and a few cans of foam. I backed the truck up to the barn, and the boys came over the hill, playing recorded instrumentals, and singing “That deaf, dumb, and blind bot, sure plays a mean paintball.”

  Dingus looked at me and said, “Those boys are something else. You ever get tired of saucer repair, you can take ‘em on tour.”

  He showed them where the medpack was, and they put it in the truck. They jumped in beside it, and turned on their dog camo. Dingus said, “I knew this place was going to the dogs.”

  Taz faded his head in. “You will pay for that on the field of paintball, sir.”

  He faded back out. Dingus said, “These boys of yours take their fun seriously.”

  “They take it however they can get it. You should have seen when they got to go with us on a caper last night.”

  Taz faded back in. “Better than just holding the window, that’s for sure.” He faded out.

  Dingus asked, “What?”.

  “He’s talking about when we broke Joanna out of Shady Oaks. We tried to keep from leaving a trace, so the boys came along and took her window out of the frame and put it back when we were done. Made it a lot easier than dealing with paperwork.”

  We pulled in, and John was waiting on the porch. He stood and said, “I see you brought the Devious Dogs of Doom.”

  “They want to try paintball. As slow as they are over rough ground, I didn’t think it would be that unfair.”

  “What’s in the big pink box?”

  “And your name is even John. Which one are you? John Smallberries?”

  “Ouch, good comeback. Can we put that in the basement with the autodoc?”

  Dingus looked confused. I said, ‘Buckaroo Bonzai’ in your culture pack.”

  “You boys!”

  Snitz took a running leap from the porch and hit me chest high. I got the face lick supreme before I put him down. “I’m glad to see you too, Snitz.”

  The boys picked up the medpack and put it where John wanted. Then they went back to dog camo, and laid by the porch. Snitz was confused, and gave them a good sniff, but he laid down with them. People started trickling in, Julie dragging in last. I asked, “How is that restaurant going to run with the whole management team playing paintball? Can your highly trained staff make it a whole day by themselves?”

  “Bob, you’re an asshole. But you’re right, I do have good people. Thanks to Joanna, I have time to give them the support they need to do even better. So, I guess I owe you, Bob, even if you are an asshole.”

  “John, it went by so fast I’m not sure, but was there a ‘Thank you, Bob, for busting Joanna out of Shitty Oaks’ in the middle there somewhere?”

  “I thought I heard it too, Bob. Maybe we should hop in the autodoc and get our hearing checked.”

  “Yes, Bob, thank you. Is everyone here?”

  “We thought we had a couple more people from out of town coming in, but we haven’t heard from them.”

  Snitz started to whine, and Ozzie grabbed his collar. I got up to open the garage and pulled out my comm. I dialed Mike. “Are you gonna let me work on that clunker while you’re here so it doesn’t scare my dog?”

  “You’ll have to ask the Ensign, it’s her vehicle.”

  “I’ve got the garage open. Please set down inside and shut down your power core.”

  “Okay, Bob.”

  I kept my comm out, just in case the Ensign decided to be stubborn about killing her power.

  The saucer slid in, set down and became visible. Shortly, I heard Ozzie call out, “All clear, Boss.”.

  I put my comm away. Mike and the Ensign came out. “Mr. Wilson, let me present Ensign Tinally Whittum. Ensign, Mr. Wilson.”

  I said, “Call me Bob, until you know me well enough to call me asshole.”

  Julie called out, “I heard that, Bob, you asshole!”

  “Respect is a wonderful thing, don’t you think, Ensign?”

  “Wouldn’t know, I get none either. Call me Tinally.”

  “Any chance we could shorten that to Tina?”

  “I suppose. What were you saying on the way in about fixing my saucer?”

  “With a few dollops of mounting putty, we can keep the plumbing around your power core from rattling. That means no ultrasonic screech, and Snitz stays happy.”

  “How long would that take?”

  “Let’s ask my maintenance supervisor. Topper! Front and center.”

  One of the dogs ran across the driveway, until he got inside and let his camo fade. He stood up and said, “Yes, Boss?”

  “We have here a noisy saucer. How long would it take to make a quiet one out of it?”

  “Thirty minutes, tops, Boss.”

  “Good enough for you, Tina?”

  “Yes, that would be fine. Your bots camouflage as dogs, Bob? Why?”

  “Topper, could you get started, please? Tina, to answer your question, it makes it easier to take them out in public, large autonomous robots are not a common sight on this
planet.”

  Ozzie and Taz grabbed the small bot and the foam out of the truck bed, and came running. Topper was already pulling fasteners out of the access panel. I said, “Let’s go get you introduced to everyone.”

  Dingus met us on the way to the house. Mike froze up. He stammered, “Sir, I had no idea you and she were together. I..I intended no offense, Sir.”

  Dingus laughed, “Relax, son. I don’t eat sergeants for breakfast, regardless of what you may have heard.”

  Tina asked, “Sergeant, who is this man?”

  Mike replied, “Ensign, don’t you recognize Major Dingolus Slongum, the famous lost Guide?”

  Dingus said, “They gave me a bump to colonel when I went back and retired, but yes, I’m the Guide who’s famous for getting lost.”

  Tina looked floored. “So Benikkious Slongum, that I helped question, is your daughter?”

  “Granddaughter.”

  Tina fainted dead away. Only Dingus’ reflexes kept her from falling.

  I called out, “Hey John, got any more smelling salts?”

  John ran up, “What happened, Bob? You fart?”

  I said, “She just realized she helped mess with Dingus’ family the other day. I think she took it hard.”

  John broke the capsule under her nose, and she roused. “Sir, I take full responsibility for my actions. Our questioning of your family and associates was completely out of line.”

  “Easy, little one. The way I hear it, your entire chain of command ordered what happened, and you’re freshly commissioned. The responsibility isn’t yours to take. Major Rottum was using Patrol assets for a personal vendetta. That will be dealt with well above your pay grade.”

  “I am sorry, sir. I knew it wasn’t right, the way we treated these people, but I went along with it. A failure of personal ethics.”

  “Your first posting dropped you in a bucket of shit. No one could expect a green Ensign to square that away by herself. You could have really screwed up, like hitting on the Colonel’s fiance.”, he said, grinning at Mike.

  Nikki saw what was going on, and came over. “Tina, I didn’t enjoy what you did, obviously. But I don’t hold you responsible for something Major Rottum ordered. Please try to relax, we’re here to have fun today. Unless, of course, my Grandfather turns it into another hard core training session.”

  Dingus said, “Well, Nikki, I do need to see if your man did his homework.”

  We wandered on to the porch, and people introduced themselves all around.. Jack asked, “so, is this everybody? Can we get suited up now?”

  I said, “I think so. The boys want to play, so we shouldn’t start without them, but they don’t have to suit up, and they should be done soon.”

  “What are they doing, Bob?”, Julie asked.

  “Fixing Tina’s saucer so it doesn’t upset Snitz. Oh, Hey, I forgot. Do You have a training machine on that rig, Tina?”

  “Yes, it’s standard equipment. Why do you ask, Bob?”

  “You want the headache fix while you’re here?”

  “Headache fix? What do you mean?”

  Dingus spoke up. “Bob and my Granddaughter figured out how to fix the training machines so they don’t give you that awful headache. Doesn’t take long to do, and it makes training ever so much nicer.”

  “Wait a minute, the last time I was here, you were talking about muscle relaxers. This is something new?”

  I said, “Mike, you give her the file on the training machine mods?”

  “I thought I did, maybe I missed it.”

  Tina spoke up, “I saw that file, I thought it was just the muscle relaxers.”

  Dingus said, “No, Ensign, this is a real fix, that removes the cause of the problem. The Guide think they are miracle workers. Eventually, the Patrol will get with the program, But you have an opportunity to get ahead of the curve.”

  I said, “Feel free to look at the file and do the mods yourself if you don’t believe us. I would think a young officer, just starting out, would have a lot of training to do.”

  Tina replied, “Yes, I do. I’ll look at the file myself, though, if you don’t mind.”

  “Not at all. Let’s play.”

  Choosing teams took a little bit, with so many people. Dingus and I were team captains, by popular demand. Dee was on Dingus’ team, and Nikki on mine. Dingus got Taz, and I got Topper and Ozzie. I got John, and Dingus got Mike and Tina. Joanna wanted to be with Dee, and Julie wanted to be with Joanna. Jack went with them, and I got the rest of the regulars. I put the boys wide out on our flanks, and told them to move as quietly as they could. We started through the woods toward where the other teams flag had to be. We were spread out, advancing cover to cover, trying to find the other team. John saw a flash off to our left, dropped and rolled behind cover, yelling for everyone else to get down. NotherBob, Jacob, and Ozzie were tagged before we realized we were being sniped from above. Nikki found Taz poking out above the trees. He had used his extension legs to improve his firing position. She motioned to the rest of us, and Taz got a new paint job. I didn’t hear the twig snap behind me in time to roll over and face the rest of Dingus’ ambush. Nikki and John saw me move and were able to return fire. Jason tried to reach cover, but Dingus tagged him before he made it. Topper came running in, firing from the “hip”, with good accuracy. He managed to hit Mike, Tina, and Joanna before Dingus put a stop to his charge. That left Nikki and John standing off Dingus and Julie. Dee was nowhere to be seen. She apparently had been Taz’ security, because she came slipping in from that direction. She clocked Nikki and John before they realized she was there. We went back to reset, and to give Dingus’ team a chance to rub our noses in it. Dingus said, “I want to review a few things with Mike and Tina”, and then Dee started “Do do do, Proud Mary”, and everybody not from off world lost it. In the confusion of explaining why it was so funny to our guests, I saw Topper go into his concentration trance. He didn’t alert me of any problems, so I assumed there was orneriness afoot. I did wonder what he was up to, but I wanted to be surprised with everyone else. We played a few more rounds, did a little better, but never beat the mighty Dingus. Snitz wandered out, and decided to help me. He led me to Taz’ hiding place, and I was able to get him and Dee before they sprang the ambush. That round ended in a draw, as Dingus and I shot each other at the same time. My team decided that was probably as good as we were going to do, and it was getting towards suppertime, anyway. When we all got back to the house, John said, “Oh, Dee, I almost forgot. Your new ID came while you were gone. I’ll get it for you.” When he returned and gave her papers, she said, “Dee Sloan, I can get used to that.”

  John replied, “I figured it was as close to Slongum as I could do without it looking hinky.”

  Dee hugged him. “Thanks, John.”

  I said, “Anybody want to see the new shop the boys built me? From nothing to a completed building in under a week. These guys are a wonder.”

  Tina said, “Is there a place I can park over there? I’d rather be able to leave when we get done.”

  I said, “There’s still room for one more in the barn, I’ll open it when I get there and give you a call.”

  She said, “Anybody want to ride with us?”

  Everyone who hadn’t ridden in a saucer yet said, “Yes!”, and they took off toward the garage. Topper motioned the rest of us to follow. Even Max was curious what was going on. When the garage door came up, we could all see the “nose art” Topper had given Tina’s saucer. Below a nice picture of a steamboat, there was a script logo “Proud Mary”. Tina said, “OH! My goodness, what is this? It’s beautiful! Who did this? Topper came forward, and said, “I designed it, and programmed the maintenance bot to apply it. I hope it meets your approval, ma’am.”

  She hugged Topper and said, “You silly bot, it’s wonderful! Thank you!”

  After Topper explained he hadn’t used paint, it was an anodizing process that would stand up to heat and wear, Tina was even more impressed. “This place is wonder
ful. I can’t wait to come back.”

  I called, “Okay, boys, load up, let’s go get the shop ready to show off.”

  Four dogs charged across the driveway and jumped into the truck. Snitz had found his pack.

  Dingus said, “Mind if I ride with you, Bob??”

  “Nope. Climb in.”

  I dropped Dingus off to open the barn, and drove the boys to the shop. They pushed the Chevelle out next to the door and handed me the keys. Topper had fabbed up a ZZ Top keychain. I heard John and Nikki pull in up at the house, and soon everyone was trooping down over the hill, with Dingus and Dee in the lead. When they arrived, Dingus asked, “You sure you’re ready for this, Son?”

  “Ready as I’m gonna get, Sir.”

  I hit the button to run the door up, and the boys cut down on ‘Bitchin’ Chevelle’. Confused looks ran through the crowd, until the door got high enough for Dee to see what was on the other side. Snitz has hit me with a flying leap to the chest before, but I wasn’t expecting Dee to do likewise. “You found it! You wonderful man!”

  “I did, but this isn’t it. I couldn’t buy the original, but I built you a new one from scratch.”

  She slid off me, looking dejected. “So it’s not really my car?”

  “It’s as close as I could get. Check the taillight, if you don’t believe me.”

  Her brow gathered, and she walked to the back of the car, to pull the taillight out on its hinge. I saw her face light up when she felt the holes she had drilled in the stock of the shotgun to make it easier to pull out of its hiding place. She drew it and looked at the serial number. She looked at me and said, “How?”

  “We stole your stuff back last night. I took it by to show Joanna after we thought we had it finished, and she told me about you having a bunch of stashes. We scanned it, so we could build all the compartments, and went back after the stuff last night.”

  She held her shotgun close to her face and sniffed, “That’s what you two were doing this morning. Cleaning my guns!”

  “Put in fresh ammo, too.” She racked the round out of the chamber, and caught it in the air. “Dang! Even the same loading I used to use. You’re good, Bob!”

  “Never do a vast thing in a half vast way.”